Life is full of surprise

2012

2012-01-06T18:02:00.001+08:00

The beginning of 2012 has already been very challenging for me. My company decided that I am not good enough for them therefore I am no longer useful to them, so they terminated my contract. But overall my life is great,my husband have the same luck as me. I believe time and faith will help us and meanwhile we just have to keep on focus to positive attitude

2011-12-15T11:04:00.003+08:00

Today is amazing day for me. My CD4 counts increase to 640 and viral loads almost to 25. My husband wants a baby and that is my biggest fear knowing that I might not be able to give him what he wants without a worries of infecting him. However being a Muslim and have a way of life that Islam thought me.Let me share with you few surah in holy Quran " 2:284 For God belongs the skies and whatever there is in the earth – and if you express whatever within your own self or hide it - God makes you accountable with it – thus He forgives to whomever He will – and He punishes whoever He wills – and God is over every single thing - in full control" so I believe my live absolutely He knows better than I am and what best for me and my family.Sometimes in life I just leave it to God and the rest I believe it is up to me to work out harder, believe can make many "magical" things. Not that I never had any magical experience. There is this surah in the Quran " 2:257 God is the protector of those who believe – He takes them out from injustice to the light. And those who disbelieve - their protectors are the virtual idols - they will take them out - from the light to injustices. They are the residence of the Fire – and they will abide in it forever.Therefore here I am looking up to HIM and asking for assistance for HIM who knows better than I am.

Finally People like me can get married

2011-12-14T17:04:00.000+08:00

I finally married to an amazing man who knows my condition and still accepts me the way I am. God is Great.

My wedding was simple but yet memorable. I will cherish my marriage forever. I just wish my parents still alive to watch this happiest event in my life. But its ok, life always end up being so unexpectedly for me.

So please continue reading because the Best is Yet to come....

life turning upside down

2011-05-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

Yesterday my furniture was collapsing out of nothing, no wind hit it, no crack on the table and its broken, just like my heart piece and piece of it, why life testing me now? why is it so hard this time to break through?

I am losing my mind again, today as I already put money in my card, the card got stolen, I couldn't believe my luck anymore. It getting from bad to worst to worst every single day... Gosh!!!

Hearts broken over and over

2011-05-17T20:28:00.002+08:00

Kenny G & Tony Braxton - T7mel.mam9.com-how Can An Angel Break My Heart

Sometimes being human you don't expect to be hurt, unfortunately life is not like that. Life is complicated and often the most unexpected person you think will not hurt you feeling are the one that broke your feelings badly.

We used to ask our self when we were poor, we want to be rich, we want to have nice car, nice house, shopping money but then we forgot to ask.. How is to feel to be rich? Does it good enough? Does it give us happiness we ever search for? Does love stay with the money that you give? Does it enough to guarantee a happiness for a lifetime.

Sometimes we forgot to thanked the small things that matter in our life, like a roof over our head, a food to keep our energy going, a health then doesn't cause death? sometimes we forgot to thank that at least GOD give us LIFE!

Sometime we need to see what we didn't missed instead of what we miss in life, what we have instead of what we don't have.

Life is like a big waves in the sea, it's rough but yet keep the adrenaline kicking. Love making us do crazy things in life. Memories is the hardest things, it gives us 2 gifts.. one a sweet memories than makes us smile doing bad times, and the second one a bad memories that sometimes playing in our head like a movie, and even you press STOP it keep on playing in our head and you can delete it.

What I need to do know is how to move forward because there is NO U TURN in the life I am facing.... no matter how hurts my feeling is... I still need to keep on moving.

sooner or later I will be ok...

"KEEP ON WALKING! YOU WILL BE FINE MY DEAR! KEEP ON SMILING AND THE LAUGH WILL BELONGS TO YOU"

recovery

2011-04-12T09:02:00.000+08:00

Today I am trying to recover from whatever that been happening for the past few days. I know I have to pull myself out of this. Feeling like this doesnt help me improve anything in my life.

I know sometimes life is unpredictable, but it is not life that I am sad about, its the slow movement of my recovery that worries me, I need to step up of my game and get myself back, my daughter need me more than anything and for her I need to do what I need to.

My life right now been following the 12 hours clock, every 12 hours I have to take medicine to stay alive, I cant have shortage of medicine supply since the duration of my life fully depend on it...

Hopefully recovery come fast and someone save me from this depth of darkness I am facing right now...

im losing my mind

2011-04-11T15:28:00.001+08:00

Beatles - Yesterday

OFF LATE... i feel I am losing my mind, I can't concentrate, I can't focus, my mind wandering around so much that I seriously think I'm losing it. I can't say that I am not fine. I am good and well.

Just the depression started with something small such as break -up then it goes to money problem, then it continues with more money problem and I am so scared that I will snap one day because of all the continues problem one after another.

Seriously?? do I really need this? Do I really need to hang on to past and not moving on. I can't.. I cannot hold on any longer.... I feel everyday I dream I kill myself.. of course its a guarantee tickets to hell..

I don't know what to do.. I don't know where to go...I hate everything that happens.. and I need to recover fast before I lost it and destroy my life and my daughter life.

it is not easy being a mother

2011-04-01T18:05:00.001+08:00

Today I realize being a single mother to teenagers daughter is really a headache, my daughter threaten to run away. Reason being because I scold and beat her for not cleaning a room and being rude. Now am I wrong to teach her what she can do in liife? Am I wrong telling her to clean a room because it such a mess? Am I wrong trying to teach her be good and be a good daughter?

I don't know what to do anymore. I am stressing out about money and now I'm stressing out about life? What the fuck is that? The worst thing is I can't quit my "JOB" and being a mother is a permanent things in life. Gosh why is it now such a mess.. I'm going through depression and now my daughter want to run away? I really don't understand why this is happening again and again...

No one ever warned me about rage of teenager. I am coming to the lost mind... If anyone out there ever read this... I am so needed an advise how to manage a teenage daughter...

My past, present and future

2011-03-31T13:59:00.000+08:00

Why is it hard to move on when you keep hold on to your past... I realize what I need to do in life from now on, to stop looking back and just move forward.. Everything surround me full of the past and I need the present to reveal by itself and work for my better future, I need to feel motivated to move forward but how could I? I just saw my 1st ex on FB and now he is married and I am glad that he married to the right women. However sometimes I feel so empty and so hollow inside.

Why do I feel this way? When everything around me will work wonders. Maybe I will grow older by myself. My daughter driving me mad about teenager rebellious, oh gosh I have so much weight on me and I don't know what to do. My memories in my brain kills me more and more I look at it. I feel hurt and feel sad and feel horrible.

I know this feeling just momentary and it will be gone as fast as the wind but this feeling killing me more and more all the time.

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul

2011-03-21T14:09:00.000+08:00

I often come across people complains about life.. and my answer will be .. REALLY? Is your life so hard? A normal complains range from boyfriend issues, money issues, family issues and the forgot to appreciate one thing in life.. to be able to breath air and still alive for another day without being DEATH, neither struggling with predicament that the higher above given for a test in life and the best thing is instead of appreciate life they complains.. .

I am so annoyed with this kind of attitude of people, or people that look down on other people just because they have higher status or higher position... Hello!! the world is not depending on status because KARMA does bite you back hard...

I also meet people that discriminate, like my meeting with MAC (Malaysian Aids Council) where this lady saying that the 1st line of medication for HIV+ people is not so good compare the 2nd line or 3rd line of medication, so are u saying people who poor, who only deserved 1st line medication, however people with high rank, higher position or title deserved 2 or 3rd line of medication? what crap is this? the country tried to prevent discrimination with people who living with HIV+ but people that working for this association doesn't apply this concept at all..

This is so disappointing as a victim of this disease I am actually being label, as the same with drug addict and prostitution, so just because I got raped that mean I deserved a crappy medication?? what on world happen to my country? where is the brainers of my people gone too?No wonder people start migrating to other country, just like my favorite author Aidid Safar.. he has left and no ones no where he is.. just because he told the truth..

So again.. I have to tell myself everyday.. I am the master of my fate and I am the captain of my soul.. Therefore this is my fight and I will fight for the better of my people..

I am having a heartache

2011-03-10T16:49:00.000+08:00

After 6 months and 10 days of my break up, I am facing so much challenge in life. I was crying last night thinking about my ex.Gosh.. How much I realize I love him but then again I also know they is no reason to stay anymore if we couldn't be together. We have different religion, different background and I am worried if I continue this relationship and what if after 10 years we didn't move anywhere it will break my heart into piece...

4 years with him has left so many memories that I will always cherish throughout our time together. I will always appreciate him the way he is and everything that he does for me.

I hope one day when I look back I know why I did what I did....

For all the memories that we have and we store in our mind. I will forever thankful to him. Thank you BRM for loving me everyday in my life and come into my small world. We are not meant to be together but perhaps one day we will...

I will always love you with all my heart and please do pray for my happiness..

arrangement of marriage

2011-02-07T08:12:00.000+08:00

Wow... never I thought a arrangement of marriage can be so tiring and exhausting, yesterday I pickup my beloved Doggie from Bern house, the house I used to stayed before is so gorgeously nice, I wish I am in there, but then again I don't have much to complained about nowdays, my future mother in-law is so nice and so lovely, my father in law amazingly awesome.

My brother in law and all so lovely as well, so do I have anything to complained about? NO.. My future husband is amazingly romantic, lovely, hardworking, and such a good provider. Yesterday I saw him teaching Trisha, my heart sank, how wonderful he is...

Boo and Bella missed me like hell.. I will hope everything go smoothly and may Bern will accepted this and move on sooner, I hope everything on his side is well and good...

May God show me the right path..

my heart ache

2011-01-21T15:16:00.000+08:00

Today 21th January 2011, I accidentally bum into Bernard, and gosh how much I really missed him and he lost so much weight since the last time I meet him. When he rub my hair I felt as if he rub my heart too, my heart that almost recovered bleed one more time..

Gosh how hard is this... How can I forget him when he never done anything wrong to me ever other than being a good boyfriend, a good lover and good partner.. but then again how can we be together when our religion so different, when our personality crash totally the opposite of each other...

Dear God, please... I am begging you give me a courage to go through this, give me a strength so I can move on.. So I love my next partner unconditionally and he will not doubt me ever...

OMG im getting married..

2011-01-17T18:36:00.002+08:00

I am having a cold feet right now knowing November just around the corner, and how important to me that I am getting to know my other half..but deep inside my heart I feel sligthly sad leaving the old memories that I have kept in my mind. How painful it is to have ur heart broken so many no of times. Many ppl tell me "are u sure this guy u about to marry is the one?" The truth is NO I don't know. I don't want to find "the one" it could take another 60 years of thinking u might find the right one.. What if u never find it? For me this is the most crazy idea I ever had in my mind for the longest year.. And yes I will make him the one, even though I know I need to heal myself first.. But I know this is sometimes I really want.

My ex keep on saying "find out what u really want", but having a family. My own kids is all I want in my life. Being a mother, succesful career person is what I really want... I want to be everything I can possibly be... I admit it all happened too fast, but are we God to determined all that? Do we really know people fate and life as if its on our hands..

So I don't give a damn what people said. For once I want to be happy without give a shit to what people think of me.. For tthose who's care.. I will say thank u.. For those who don't... I will still say thank u to whatever reason of u saying know. It is my life at all...

3rd and hopefully last phrase

2010-12-04T17:29:00.002+08:00

On monday, I will have my back operation, so happen I got slip disc, doctor need to fixed the problem so I can walk and do my daily activity. Right now my back are in pain. I can believe this difficult phrase of life is not over yet. I can wait for this year to end. I just had too much shit going on and I can't hold on any longer. I remember reading about a man that paralyze waist down and survive. I am currently using his strength to strike up. I want my happiness and my smile back.

Just too much shit for this short period of time, I really hope this will be the last phrase and I don't have to go through this again.
Dear God, I really had enough. I really can't take this anymore God, I am such a small person in this small body have to take up so much challenges in life. Can't u make my life easier God. Can't u just give me a man who hhave the same religion as I am, who know responsibility in life, who can look after me and my girl God because honestly I am so sick of it. I am so sick have to struggle and fight all the time. And I start wondering who am I in the past life? Perhaps I am a murderer that is why I been punished this way.. My mind start to think again.... Please stop mind and I am so tired to think it through.

2010

2010-11-29T13:48:00.001+08:00

November will be end soon... and December will appear in my life then the whole 2010 will end and I will be introduce to 2011.. A year that seems promising than any other year.

I can't wait for 2011 to come and pop up in my life. I want 2011 to be more adventures, to be more romance, to be more spontaneous than any other year, I want to gather the "profit" of my "investment" and I want it to be different.

To some of my friends, I know I have to let them go, because I need new friends and to meet new people in my life. I want to quit "Hoarder" this kind of people in my life, some of them has done something so good to me and some of them has forgotten me. To those who make so much difference in my life now I will keep our friendship forever, to those who often "neglected" the friendship that I sow, I am sorry its time to reap it now and to start new.

I have learned many tremendous value about friendship and "companionship", I also have learn a lot about motherhood in my life. It is true nothing come easy in life, and the most difficult the life is the better for us in the future. I am starting my present now. and I wont even plan my life way ahead because no one will knew what would ever happen even 6 months down the road.

2010, I hope you will end faster than I expected you to be.....I really want you out of my life for good and never "DARE" to show yourself ever again. Because I had enough of your shit....

Goodbye November

2010-11-29T13:30:00.001+08:00

Today is the 29th November...

I have many sweet, bitter, sour memories of November,to the memories that I had for a bitter, I want to forget about it completely, to the memories that sweet I want to keep it and store it in my mind as long as I can, to the memories that sour, I do want to learn from it and be a better person...To the most of it ... I believe it will make me a better friend, a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better wife and a better in many things as well..

I have learned to accept and I have learn to adapt... two most important essence in life in order to be better. I also have learn to grow UP... to use my brain most of the time either morning, afternoon or evening.

I read through everything I have written before and I realize sometimes I get too emotional over certain things, sometimes I get to passionates over certain issues. I have to learn to let go... I have too.. if not I will live in grieve for the rest of my life...

So today... I am letting go everything for the month of November. November take up too much "space"...

I need more space to gather more memories.
...
Goodbye November... I know I will see you again but I promise it will be different the next time we meet....

life is something that happens when you cant get to sleep

2010-11-27T09:25:00.000+08:00

Off late i feel like every time I close my eyes I feel as if so many things worries me, I feel as if I am 21 again, that I have to start struggle my life all the time, I feel as if my life is coming to the end..

Am I dreaming? or is it my life has come to the end of road? What is life beneath us? What is our purpose of life struggling and trying to live in this world?

Those are the question I seem cant find the answer... I wish one day I will know..I wish I will know it before my time comes to the end..

I remember watching SWEET NOVEMBER and how wonderful life is if you can just maintain the beautiful memories of LOVE just as it is....

I lost the feeling of LOVE, I am afraid I cant love anyone anymore... I am so afraid and fear of LOVE... Should I give up on it just because I have tried many many times and my heart seems like been broken to piece in thousand times...

I don't know the answer for now.. But I hope when LOVE come and find me, it will a wonderful love, not a painful one....

SURPRISE.

2010-11-06T03:09:00.003+08:00

My title of this blog is life is full of surprise, now let me explain I do know this phrase often been mention around me but never I thoughts that i will live through this phrase of word ever..

And seriously. I can't wait to know what will be next..

I live a life as a fighter, and I will fight harder and harder every year.People often ask me, do I have so much courage and strength, my answer will be NOT at ALL... but the strength I get was my daughter, for her I fight harder, for her I strike harder, for her I PROMISE to give her a family she never had, to give her a father she never has, for her I strike and I will fight harder. WITHOUT HER I AM GONE. WITHOUT HER MY STRENGTH IS EMPTY, WITHOUT HER I AM NO ONE.

May God give me strength to fight and courage to survive because I know my life will be full of suprise.....

life as it is..

2010-10-26T18:59:00.003+08:00

I remember my 31st Bday, when I decided to make a big decision, my decision was based on what I really feel.

Today 27th November 2010, I woke up early morning, realizing I made a big decision to walk out of a Big comfortable life, a comfortable love because I want to build it all over again. Am I afraid? YES I am very afraid, AM i regretting what I did, NO... NOT AT ALL.

You may not always end up where u thought you were going but you will always end up where you were meant to be... This is so true. I know few years down the road I will looked back and realize how far my journey.

This month of November is so challenging after broke up with my 4 years boyfriend, to car accident to losing my home, and my family that I build for 4 years, I feel as if I want to give up, I feel as I had no one around me, I wondering if this what God want my life to be, for the past 21 years, it has been tough, I feel I bleed too much to walk it through it again, I feel as if I lose my legs, I feel as if I lose my soul...

Again, I am asking God, please... I had enough of hard life.... please granted me one wish for happiness that I deserve, please God, cause I can't bare these any more... No MORE...I think I have used all my strength, courage and faith for all I got and I left with none.....

For you who reading, I will ask for your prayers, may my life will go smoothly after this, for those who never know me, I ask you to send your prayers to those who have similar hard life as me.. For those who know me and reading this.... I know you guys always pray for me...

my mind going around again

2010-10-23T12:30:00.002+08:00

listening to a song from David Guetta & Chris Willis ft Fergie & LMFAO - Gettin' Over You and thinking about all the decision I have done so far.. I'm not regretting my decision either is good or bad things that has been happening around me.

I am happy, I know time will heal everything soon and I can't wait for those time to come because I feel really alone and I feel as if everything that I have tried to worked it out doesn't seem to work or perhaps can I just put the blame on fate?

I wish I could fly to the moon just like Frank Sinatra song, and sit down on the moon and see the world underneath me.. and just enjoy the beautiful world and universe that has been created for all of human kind.

LOVE

2010-10-08T16:10:00.002+08:00

I am thinking about everything today, about how the world seems to me, the color of the world has change in the past few days..

The world seem green to me lately, no more blue and no more red..Green

Green is the color of peaceful, hope, and love perhaps..

but that is not love.... that is fear and living a life with a fear of hurting someone is impossible.. One way or another sometimes in life we tend to hurt someone feeling, either by rejecting it or objecting it.

My grandfather use to say, if we want to be happy, we got to tell how we feel, no matter what is the outcome, or how other feel about it because this is not their world... this is our one world, we create the color we want to create.. we make the world as beautiful as we like.. the color is in our hand, it is up to is to choose and put it in the canvas of our life..

Love does exist in my life, just like how I love Trisha, I love my friends and my dogs, so love is universal, the definition of love giving an impact to the world, if only war could end by a simple love, i believe we will be in the most peaceful place..

People who love does not hate, people who in love, looking things at the positive side of life, people who are in love will do wonders thing that, they themselves didn't know that they could.

thats why the color of my world has change today, it is no longer red which define anger, hatred, grudge, it is no longer blue, storm, rough sea.... its is green... a simple green leaf that just about to grow and I believe if I nurture it right it will be stronger than I could even imagine.. and for that I am going to go wherever the wind blow me and for once... I'm gonna let it be... and I believe I am so close to the road of safe after many broken road I have taken, after so much blood have been drop from my feet.. I have now found a peace within myself....

I might just found LOVE...

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

HAART

2010-08-24T10:08:00.002+08:00

Today is my 5th day starting the anti viral medication, I am taking HIRAPHINE 200mg and TENVIR-EM 300mg.

I start taking because my CD4 counts drop to 146 and I believe either way I want to live longer so I have to start somewhere. Here I am sharing my side effect taking those medication:-

1-4 day - I was throwing up, I got serious stomach upset, serious dizziness and motion sickness.
5th day - I still feeling motion sickness and it SUCKS, I can't drive, move or even doing my daily routine.

I start with once a day first which I set a time between 9am, after 2 weeks I will start taking twice a day at the same time 9am and 9pm. My life now permanently depending on medication to live.

am I afraid? oh hell yes, I was afraid when I got admitted due to Thrush infection cause by CANDIDA virus and it got worst, I got scared when I saw this old lady suffering in hospital and she can't move and her family disowed her for the disease that she got...I was afraid of death, I was afraid people will be afraid to touch my body because of the disease I am carried. I am afraid for my future that is so uncertainty in many ways.

but I got better.. I got better because I want to fight this virus, I got better because I am aiming to be on the list of people that fighting for the right of human rights in my countries, I got better because I ready to let people know my status as HIV-POSITIVE. I got better because I don't want to die hopeless and hoping that they will find a cure, and that is what people since 1930 hoping for until now, there is still no CURE. I don't want to hope anymore.. I want to live and I want to fight. I am a fighter and I want to fight hard.

I know this mean it will be hard for me to get a job. I just quit my job due to discrimination in my office, and I am working in one of the biggest broadcast media in Malaysia, people so damn educated but so damn stupid and naive, they think I might infected them with the virus if I sneeze or share foods. I quit because I no longer see myself working for idiot so called "educated" and I want to fight the right cause. I want to let these people know that this HIV POSITIVE women they afraid of, going to fight hard. I want to create organisation of ACTIVTIS IN MALAYSIA, specially in KUALA LUMPUR for those white collar people with the sickness and create a career opportunity for them, because we are talented, smart, educated people, we do believe that just because we been infected by the disease doesn't mean we less valuable. We are more valuable then people who dont have the disease because we fight harder.

Yes of course, we do have ups and down of our sickness and sometimes we might get sick and got medical leave here and there, but that doesn't mean we want to be push away.

In my country people still skeptical to employee people with this sickness because they afraid, that is because they dont know well and they think they are invisible from it, no body invisible enough of it. When you got it, you can make the best out of it instead if complaining.

people afraid to date people with this sickness and they become hypocrites, they write and support about awareness of this predicament but yet they afraid and they fear..

have they ever think about people who have this sickness, have this people majority ask for it, maybe to some who injected drugs, or some who have unsafe sex, but what about women or even man who got raped, or been injected by this virus by those irresponsible people..

I want to fight so one day the women and the children who have the same sickness like me will not give up, they will stand up, they will get married and have kids like others because i want to inspire and encourage other that this is not the end of the world... Not Yet.. and the fight isn't over..

I am not giving up.. and this is my first update.

what a day!

2010-07-19T18:07:00.006+08:00

People said sometimes GOD test us in many ways, the more harder his test is, the better opportunity he will show us and give us.

Now I do believe in HIM,I do believe everything happen for a reason and sometimes it might take us 1 month or 1 day or even 1 year to know those reason.

I thought 2009 was bad, with my illness and my sickness it did pull me down and I tell myself next year will be different.

Year 2010 prove to me that it's even harder in many way..

my health, my relationship, my career, my family, my daughter, my friends, he provide me such a challenge to everything around me this year. Perhaps he is planning to give something really BIG to me. and I hope that it will be sooner because I am trying everyday to cope with it with patience that I have left, which will be running out soon... very soon.

My CD4 counts drop to 176, my appendix decided to burst out this year and causes inflamation to my fallopion tube, and my daughter decided to stress me more with teenages cycle hormone such as trying to commiting suicide and letting go rebellious anger towards me.

Today again something that testing my patience,from morning I have quite a few setback to banking problem in HSBC that bloody piss me off because the so call "security device" is not even working. what the fuck. I was in the bank the whole day to register my tele banking and now after 6 hours waiting, the bloody thing didnt fucking work and the customer service that I call can't even assist me on this, instead she ask me to go back to the bank AGAIN and get a new security device.

Then the ASB also fucking pissed me off. I wanted to open an account with ASB and went to POS office nearby my house and they said I am not qualified to apply because my mum is not malay or bumiputra!!! what a #$%%%#! what do they mean not bumiputra, she did convert to muslim and married my malay father and she change her religion to Muslim and what is so damn hard about it.

The last bank that pissed me off is Public Bank, I went last month and deposit my 1000 savings money using they cash deposit machine and today when I checked my account, the money dissapear and no body and explain to me how that happen.

and to make it worst I just recovered from major operation, my stitches haven't even heal properly yet and I end up running up and down from one bank to another bank and get this fucking suck services..

Come mon enough already with this bad services that we have in Malaysia. Time to change to better in order to move up just like the rest of the world.

I always hear either my friends, or colleague complaning about bad services in Malaysia and it is sicken to experienced it myself.

Plan for life

2010-06-17T17:28:00.001+08:00

I heard this words many times in my life "People who fail to plan, plan to fail" and recently I realise this quote are so true.

Along the life of human sometimes we kind of miss track about direction that we are headings and we wonder why things doesn't follwo what we want.

This year I have start planning carefully every step of my life in many areas, I have identify areas that I need to improve further and I also have prepared Plan A, to Plan B to Plan Z. Of course as a human we can only plan and the rest is the fate and opportunity that come lin front of us, if we prepare better when opportunity knocks on our door than we be able grab it. I have found this amazing software 'attractor genie" to help in my planning and so far it has been a great help.

I realise in the book call "The secret' they forgotten to remind us that challenges may appear in many areas before anyone be able to achieve many of their dreams, but teh key is to keep on strike for excellent in many areas of our lief. The mind is so powerful if we visualize hard enough with hard work and efforts.

Nothing come easy in life, but if we plan properly and manoveur our way correctly we all can achieved almost everything.

I want to begin with loving myself more and more everyday. I want to begin to appreciate my life more and more and strike for the best in everything. I have so much power of my believe that I know MIRACLE is possible....

We are the master of our ship, we are the captain of our destiny

2010-05-25T13:02:00.001+08:00

Recently I have been thinking about life, love and everything around me... I sometimes feeling deeply emotional about certain stage or phrase of life. I guess is normal to feel this way or sometimes you questioning the situation thoroughly so things wont become complicated. I am thinking intensely about thing surround me as well as for the relationship I am at.

I like John Lennon song call Imagine... I imagining life before this life and I imagine life after this life...

I am thinking too much again.....

my dream about to come to life

2010-01-14T17:01:00.002+08:00

Lately I have been pretty excited, I have done some research for my book, I will be able to publish the first 1000 copies first than I can starts marketing it, 1 thing at the time, people said women can get everything the want if they focus one thing at one time and sucess is guranteed. So that is the direction I am heading too.

I get very easily annoyed lately, perhaps due to medication I am start taking. I kind of feeling edgy with myself lately. Its the hormone inbalance, at nite I am having problem to sleep, I dream something really scary lately.

I always having a nightmare, same nightmare over and over again.. a guy came and strangle me, and kill my girl and i hold him by his neck and jump over the building with him to let my girl live.. I dont know what it means...

I am excited because I am starting something big in my life, I had enough of working with people following their way, I want to do my own way of work and earned unlimited amount of cash..i want to not ever feel worry about money or a home for me and Trisha..

Happy New Year

2010-01-03T13:59:00.003+08:00

2009 is the end of my 3 decade in life and I am starting everything in new chapter for 2010. I am looking forward to start travelling around, renovating my house, see the world I once dream off like Greece, Spain, America, Paris, Maldives, to take a cruise on Caribean island and went jungle tracking, or skiing and other world that God has create and live life to the fullest.

I have been making few steps in life by put everything I remember in my blog so one day If I so happen to loss my memory I can read all these things I wrote. if ever i can remember who I am anymore, at least somehow have read my blog and reminded me who I am...
'
Nelson Mandela use to said " We are the Captain of our life, we are the key to a journey to our life" I want to make the best of my life now......

Tiring day

2009-12-16T10:53:00.004+08:00

I never knew that running around for consistently does drain you mentally and physically and last weekend I was draining myself with chores at home as well outside. Plus with the bad traffic jam yesterday making it worst for me. But I know somehow I can manage this and I am going to manage all these stressed towards end of the month/year excellently.

My beloved B was admitted to hospital due to his knees, he fell in front of the house because of slippery floor at home and his operation was done on Monday, yesterday after a bloody hectic at office, I went and pick him up and stuck almost 2 hours at traffic jam with a boyfriend who don't talk much.

Have you ever come to situation where you feel so damn tired and hungry and exhausted and you feel like crying? I did yesterday after bathed B, I come down to eat but somehow my food seems tasteless and I couldn't move to grab my spoon because my legs are so damn tired. Now I know it is no easy to take care sick people, and I know one day I will be so damn sick and I will need someone to look after me.

The truth is I don't want to be sick and I dont want anyone to take care of me and I being such a baby over this. I know how other people felt and how long would there can hold on to me, after a while they going to feel sick of me and tehy going to leave. I will ensure that my condition will be great as long as I lived because being sick is not an option for me. Therefore I am going back to see my doctor and start my medication, I have too so things can be good for me and people who being with me.

I am afraid to trouble others, I am worried if one day I couldn't get off the bed, who can I ask for help... i wish that day never come and if it did appear one day, I want someone to pull the plug out because all my life living fighting, the day I cant fight anymore.. I dont want to live.

Mental Bondage

2009-12-09T18:46:00.004+08:00

I have been told about a book that reveals the truth with title: Mental Bondage in the name of God. When I read the title I was amazed by it.

Mental Bondage have lots of meaning,.. It depends how we look at it, some people might find the title of it too revealing without even know the content of the book. Some people might find this book is so refreshing.Sometimes as a human we tend to have mental block, we either refused to know the truth or we are afraid of the truth.

For those who dare to know the truth checkout these blog and please read it as an open mind, I find it suitable for 2 kind of people for those who's looking for an answer or for those who believe what they been taught to belief:-

www.tudungitusyirik.blogspot.com
www/kaabahituberhala.blogspot.com
www.aididsafar.com

hohoho xmas coming..

2009-12-07T11:06:00.004+08:00

Christmas coming soon this year, I have done decorating my xmas tree my 2 dogs, my daughter, and myself of course..

Of course this christmas I remember those who have left us to meet their creator, my good friend among one of them. I still vividly remember when we send him to gateway to another side, it was such a lovely day, I pass by the cemetery at Klang, I thought I saw an angel with big huge wings looking down at us, I know some people did tell me it could be my mind playing tricks but either its a trick or real, this angel look so beautiful and so peace at the same time. So many people attending his funeral, malay, chinese, Indian and all race was there. We all sang him his favorite song if tomorrow never come and it makes me wonder about death and our departure when the times come..

am I afraid of death?.. of course.. we all do because we had no idea what is waiting us the other side of the journey but for now I will try my level best to enjoy my life, to enjoy people around me.

Yesterday my daughter went for christmas shopping for orphanage kids, we were so happy to pick up all the present for them and in fact I bought twister game and when we reach at home after visiting my Godfather we start played the game. my daughter and I have a good laugh twisting our legs and hands and we giggle all nite. It was fun and it was an tiring of course with muscle cramp on my hands and legs..

At this moment, I am glad to not being sick, to not worries and stress of work.. I am glad to have support from my girl .. because she all I ever have. 16 years being leaving on my own, one day I hope I will have my own family, many children doesnt matter if is mine or not, decorating xmas tree and running around with big huge dogs... for that I would like to Thank God for all his gift and all his bless to me.. Thank you very much God....

A man that I call Godfather

2009-12-06T23:46:00.005+08:00

I was lucky to meet this amazing man whom I called him Godfather..of course its not a Godfather like AL PACINO in Godfather movie. I do admire him physically and mentally, he so cool with his cute ponytail and he is so smart and experienced in many ways, his life is different then me of course. He born in a higher society of higher rank or higher level of people, but somehow in 2 differents world we meet each other and our faith kind of cross in a way that I myself don't understand well on this.

He doesn't know about my condition yet, but he only know about my tumor in my head of course, even without a tumor my head sometimes not always straight. I meet up with him and all his friends and his beloved wife. I took Trisha along, of course I didn't shared much about my life story to him, not because I don't want to, I haven't get any opportunity to tell him my life stories yet and sometimes I don't think its necessary to bring up my life stories. I would love to know him more and his stories of life when he was younger. His wife is so lovely and I also admired her softness in her, they are a lovely couple. I would say I am lucky to get to know him and his wife and all his friends.

Not having a father myself, I do admire him very much and what make him more interesting is his believe. I am still learning about religion of course, and some thing he says does make sense to me. I always since young never want to be a follower for a religion because I believe God given us a greatest gift which is brain and life. He wants us to think on our own about political issue including religion, but many people take a easy way out which it just to follow what so call expert Imam or Ulama said and never they want to find out by themselves. Perhaps they scared or maybe they just too comfortable with their own believe.

I do want to find out more about the higher person who created me, I do want to know more about life and death. If I have been given a chance, I want to speak up my mind and what I think to many people without fear of government neither my own country.

My country should learned to expand their thinking to higher level buy letting people have a freedom to speak up about anything and everything. I can't wait to see that happen...

AIDS DAY

2009-12-05T23:19:00.003+08:00

Few days ago was world AIDS day and I was one of many supporter of AIDS day on that day and I wear the red ribbon to show my support, it reminds me on my life and what many people in my similar condition have. Its painful enough to be one of many millions people having this disease and to be talking with my colleagues about how many cases in Malaysia has increased tremendously does somehow give me a wake up call on my condition.. I always wonder what if people knew about my condition?

Would they look at the me differently just because of my situation or do they look at me because they know how hard it is too deal with these situation out there?

I remember few years back when WORLD AIDS day started, I was aware about this disease of course but for the sake of awareness and not supporting it, I don't understand how serious this condition and what was the impact to people who carry this disease, how this disease can break and make a family, a wife, a daughter, a mother and all that.

As one of all people out there I was one of the ignorant, knowing about it but didn't do anything to about it because I tell myself, its not me, I will never be me.. I always pratice safe sex, so its OK... but when situation turn to the other way round where I am the carrier of this virus, I becoming more aware and I gain more knowledge about this condition.

I become more aware when ever newspaper write something about AIDS or HIV, or when my company going to any of HIV Kids oprhanage I tend to partcipate, in fact I want to speak about my condition freely, I want to do public speaking to many youths out there that exposed to this dangerous virus especially in my country 35% young women and girl was positive with this virus.

LIFE works in the funny way sometimes, a way that we don't understand but when we believe things will become better.. It will spiritually open our mind to something bigger and better...
I want to help myself by helping people with same conditions as I am, to support each other whenever we are down over our health, to understand better on fighting this on our life because together we are stronger...

2009-11-26T13:27:00.002+08:00

I am feeling heartened over things, I feel tremendous pain that I feel so unbearable, I feel lost and I feel empty inside.

I don't know why I am feeling like this, perhaps I feel like everything crumbe in 12 months period, I feel as if I have nothing better to look forward on future. I feel future so dark on me. I know I need to hold myself up and keep my head high and I was never ever build to break easily, but somwhow lately I tumble along the road and I feel I am crumble very soon if I don't hold tight to something, to just keep my strength and courage up.

30 years of life I have done everything and anything I could imagine, at age 30 suddenly I feel like closure of my life is coming too soon that I have expected. I have lots of people around me but somehow I feel very "ALONE" i feel very empty and I am feeling very shallow. Sometimes I think "what the fuck wrong with me" and I shout at myself as hard as I could. I THOUGHT I WOULD BREAK ANYTIME SOON.. but I know I cant... I just cannot I have to keep on keep my spirit up and try my very best to look everything in positive way...

Today I will try again and if today I fail... I will get myself back up again and try again and again and again.. I believe I can.. I will.. I would and I would definitely will......

Encouragement

2009-11-21T11:09:00.003+08:00

Words of encouragement is something i loved to hear, especially when hope seems very tiny on the skies. Yesterday my daughter Trisha gave me a words of encouragement and for once I am so glad to hear those words from her.

She said to me "Mummy no amount of disease neither sickness will stop you or me from achieving what you really want and if "IT" didn't stop you, it wont stop me as well. Don't you worry mummy I can handle this just like you".

I am so relief hearing this from her and knowing she will be ok. Sometimes she can says the most brilliant thing at the right time and there's a time when she says really ridiculous thing at the wrong time. I am glad to know she is ok and she can take care of herself at age 13. She is the amazing things that ever happened to me.

My health not too good lately, I have been sick since 3 days ago due to work stress and life stress but I am so glad today is weekend so I can be with my beloved dogs,daughter and my B.

I have been visiting thebody.com and I send an email to Dave because I read about his life stories and I am amazed by his life story. To my surprise he response to my email and he also did read my story on my blog and he did give words of encouragements that fire up my spirit today to write. I am glad that I can shared my stories of life to the people who also need some lights in their life as much as me. Thank you Dave for your amazing email. I am so flattered with your compliment, I have never had such compliment before, perhaps I have never shared my blog to many people.

I am going to start writing again and hopefully this time I can finish what I have started... and hopefully Oprah might read my email that I sent to her yesterday...She is my big high dreams. I always had a dream to see Oprah in person and give her a big hug because she is like my God mother..

Live and Death

2009-10-29T13:45:00.001+08:00

We spend our lives chasing excellent grades, silky smooth skin, a wonderful family, a good job and a goose with golden eggs (duh...who wouldn't?). Don't get me wrong folks. That's all good. You gotta have goals in your life (accept for the goose, that's pretty far fetched).

But how many of us realize that all those things that we chase are nothing more than probabilities? Do we realize that nothing that we chase in our lives are certain? How many of us can tell with absolute confidence that they'll get good grades? If you think that you can, "BRAVO!"Ironically, there is one thing that is certain.

All of us are approaching it without even chasing it. Well, you don't need to. It is chasing you. Some want to run away from it. Some crave it. Some just don't give a damn (whoa...what's with the language dude?!).

That's DEATH! Surprised? Haha...it's not really a shocker. We all know that we will die some day. Just like our pets, the orchid in the garden, the tapeworm in your bowel, or even your Volvo (it's gonna be scrap metals one day right?).

sometimes the question not always about death.. but about rising up and get out from the comfort zone which most of us are... we afraid to speak our mind, we fear our boss will fired our ass if we do disagree with him.. but that is the point of life to disagree if u don't feel like there is a reason to agreed, to argue with your boyfriend when he think he point of view are the only important one, life is about stand up and stands out.. Never strike for good, strike for excellence than success will come

Money does make the world go round

2009-10-28T13:08:00.006+08:00

I do like the phrase people used to tell me, they said money does make everyone world go around. In some ways I do agreed with the phrase, money does give lot of stability in life, and a contribution in excellent relationship and love and many more things does effect us with the money.

But at the same time people dont reliaze things they gave up for money, a time and a health is 2 major things people neglected in their life because of money. They way they act as well does change when you have lots of money. I believe money is not everything. In fact I am deciding to resigned from my job that give me a sense of financial security because I feel I have neglected people around me and as well as my health. I just want to earn enough for bills and be happy with life. I want to starts teaching Piano lesson to kids because I think this "Job" will provide me peace and calm life I always wanted.

I am planning from 2 years from now to save enough money to buy my own Grand piano, and enough money to set up an institution for special children who need someone to care and love them, I feel in this way my life with be more meaningful with little time I have left to live my life.
Stress is the major killer for me now, my work has making my health level so bad even worst than before when I am only earning 1k a month. Having lots of money without peace of mind is really not something I am looking forward too.

Money does make life harder and for those people who have lots of money, I do feel their pain and suffering in handling their life to life basis.

I am looking forward to richness in humanity, kindness, and lots of love next 2 years from now, I believe I will be much happier soon....

Hospital in Malaysia

2009-10-08T09:39:00.004+08:00

I am writing this not because I want to complain neither am I condemning the hospital, I am writing this because I feel so discriminated by the treatment by the nurses and the doctors at University Hospital.

I am HIV positive. I was admitted to the hospital due to stomach pain. I was sent to Univesity Hospital by ambulance because the hospital I went to earlier (private hospital) didn’t have any available beds, so the nurses suggested that I be sent to University Hospital instead. I reached the hospital around 5 pm and was placed in the emergency ward for close to 7-8 hours. I was left there waiting for my blood to be taken and also for an x-ray to identify if I had a serious abdominal condition which might require surgery.

While I was waiting for my blood to be taken, I heard the nurses giving remarks about my condition as a HIV patient. Needless to say, the nurses assumed that my disorientation due to injecting me with painkillers made it OK to make snide comments about my condition, right in front of me. Probably they thought that if I was 'high' enough, my understanding of the Malay language would go down the drain.

The doctor only attended to me around 10pm. What upset me the most is that when she came to examine me, she only asked about my history of as a HIV patient. All her questions were not relevant to my condition at that moment. Her questions were: How did i get HIV? Do I have multiple sex partners? Do I take drugs? Are these questions necessary to determine the cause of my abdominal pain? Those questions took me off guard because I was thinking, "Where’s the relevance between my predicament and my stomach pain?" Secondly, knowing that I have this disease has already affected my life, in addition to feeling discriminated and judged in their eyes is enough to tear me apart. First of all I have no idea how I got infected with HIV, I have never injected myself with drugs, neither have I had multiple sexual partners nor blood transfusions. I don’t want to think about how, when, and what because I have passed through that stage to moved forward with my life.

As a professional medical officer, I believe any discrimination towards HIV patients should NOT EXIST because we are as human as anyone else and they should be extra sensitive over this matter instead of being judgemental towards people with conditions like mine.

I believe as a country that has grown tremendously in many ways, stigma towards HIV should be minimised due to numerous awareness programmes that our government has implemented. We should be given equal rights especially when we are in need.

New Family

2009-10-06T12:02:00.004+08:00

Today as I were driving for lunch yesterday, I saw this billboard, very happy father kiss the rand it’s remind me how it feel to have a family in my life. Family does give huge impact in each of our life; they are the light and the darkness in us

I absolutely forgot how amazing to have your parents that always look after you or brother and sister that checking on you or help you out when you in trouble. There are those days when I wish I had my mom and my dad around, so whenever I feel down or I need clarification about anything I can go to them, there are those time during Hari Raya I will be crying the whole night thinking how nice to have families and help them cooking and preparing for Raya celebration and go shopping together. When every I look at my daughter I always tell myself I am her only family, I am her only father and I am her only mother, I am her aunt and I am her uncle and I am everything to her..

I have been on my own for 14 years now, I never have family that loves me or care about me. I always feel awkward having lots of people around me; perhaps I do not know how to react. Another 10 more days I will be 30 year old, it is so fast time has past in my life. So many things have happened to me since the day I left my house. When I’m alone I always have theses images playing in my head just like a DVD player. Over and over and over again

It has never been easy for me to grow up alone and I have always been very reserved.

Today as I look far behind me, I have my own family, I have my beloved daughter by my side.. . I have my two dogs with me I had nothing else to ask other than my health. I am happy at this moment to have another day or year to live to see how big my family will grow bigger..

Death

2009-09-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

Death has taken you so fast my dear friend.. I thought I will be the one that going first before you because of my health condition, never I expected that you will be gone so fast. I can't concentrate at work for this past few days..

Your death has open my mind to wider view of life, your death give me a reason to appreciate my life more and people that surround me, it make me feel that our life is short, but we worried about so much things that is so irrelevant to our life. So many people die in this life but very few people that have lives their life to the fullest.

Your funeral was so overwhelming to me and to people who knows you. I believe you are smilling down looking at all of us now and perhaps visiting all of us, because some how I can still feel your present in my house. So many questions running through my head that can't be answered by anyone, so much regrets running through my head for not asking you a right questions that night. I wish I have another day with you....

I wish God has taken me instead of you...

In a way, I feel you are lucky because you don't have to go through traffic jem, worried about money or life anymore. You life has end but your memory will always last in my head....

Goodbye my dear friend.....Till we see each other again....

Goodbye my friend

2009-09-07T10:21:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjespGPhoMw

My friend pass away last Sunday afternoon. I was very sad and devastated on his loss because he is such a nice guy.. this song I dedicated just for him.. Ron... I will see you soon my friend...

HOME

2009-08-06T16:01:00.004+08:00

I am pretty excited with my new home soon to be, it is not mine yet but for a start it is not too bad, I am still renting at this moment, I want to find "perfect" home for me Trisha

I want my home that to be full of love and care. I am almost there to buy my dream home, it just cash in hands not much at this moment but I am looking forward too it. I remember my first home..

My first home was a long house located in Pantai Dalam.. we have 1 room and 1 kitchen, it was so long but not wide enough, I always sleep outside because my grandfather and my grandmama stays in the one room. We had 20 cats and I remember helping my grandmama build cats house... it was our first home and it was ok. We were pretty happy, some night I will heard neighbour having sex, some night I will hear them fighting and all the stuff..

My dream home as I always visualize will be full of plants, nice porch, nice room for all my clothes, Trisha room with Pink color paint and nice lovely kitchen so I can baked and cook. Trisha will be studying at the living room. I will be cooking and making a coffee and have a someone I love very much next to me and talk about mistake and life
That will be my dream home.. cozy and lovely..

Friends can come over chilling at our "Teratak" and brings their partner along.. I loved having guest. It makes me alive..

I hope my condition will not get bad because I would love to see my dream home. I hopes this H1N1 virus wont infected me.. I hope I can see the sun and the moon as long as I live.

And if so happen I die, I want to die as a happy women, I want to see the world that God created and I want all my good friends to be there during my funeral and smile because I will be there by their side.

I hope by then if I am gone, Trisha will be strong enough to continue my stories in her eyes as she sees me in her, I hope my friends will continue telling my story of life as an inspiration to other women and I really hope they will remember me all the times during bad, good, sad and happy time. Because even if I am not there anymore, my spirit will always be there.. to listen to them...

I will definitely tell God if I ever see him to put all my friends, my friends family and friends to put all of them in the highest level of heaven...

Healthy

2009-07-27T16:52:00.003+08:00

I am feeling very good these past few days with my work and especially my health. After knowing my condition few months back I thought I will be sick soon or maybe some minor skin problems here and there but fortunately I feel even better than before. I feel very energetic, I feel very positive and in fact I am looking forward to everyday life.

Maybe this HIV thing is not really a bad thing, the more I look at the bright side, the more confident I become in handling this sickness. I am very happy and contented with my life now.

I do feel a bit sad with Yasmin Ahmad passed away last weekend. I do admire her ads and her movie and her vision of one Malaysian, so sad she is gone without seeing the result of her vision.

You can't find people like her in Malaysia much, her ads really touchy and does deliver the message of one malaysian. We used to be 1 Malaysian but somehow that line has been broken by some selfish people who have their own agenda and all..

Health is very important, in fact health is the most important compare to rest of other stuff, without health we will not achieve our dreams....

May my health remain good for the next few years at least the next 50 years hopefully..

I have so much dreams and so much goals and I am so eager to make it happen.

2009-07-02T10:57:00.003+08:00

Today I woke up early and start thinking....

I went to send my car for service since it has been few month I have last serviced my car, I had breakfast with my girlfriend Osim and starts to think again on what shall I write on my blog..

Yesterday was a busy day for me, I was having cold sweat inside my car, outside Trisha's school, I went there to take her report card and before I could come out from my car I feel really nervous. Few reason why I feel that way:-

1 - All my daughters school mate was looking and checking me out
2 - my daughters teachers was also checking me out
3 - All the parents also checking me out
4 - I feel like I am some sort of celebrity in her school where you see all the girls came to me and says hi.
5 - The teacher thought I was her sister instead of her mother

Damn, I always wonder how the hell I go through all this alone. It brings back memories when I was 16 and I had Trisha and everytime I looked people always asked me if she were my sister and everytime I told them she was my daughter the look of unbelieveable was there.

So here I am thinking one day when she's turn 20 and I will be only 38. Damn.. I will always be the young mother of all the mothers and a damn hot one..

I remember very clearly in my head when she was born in this world, she only 1.2 kg, so small in my hands and the doctor say the chances for her to survive is very slim and never I thought I will be able to see her grow up so big and tall and turn out to be so beautiful... I am so proud of her, she did well in her school. She got no 18/223 in her whole school.

I also vivdly remember all the toughest shit we being through together.

I always wants to make her proud of me, I want to provide her all the best I can and I really want to be somebody and no just anybody, I want to be somebody great, I want my voice to speak up to all the youth out there and tell them don't be afraid of life.

I always have this drive to change the world with my words and my stories.

I was not born with great talent, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't act, I am not a model, I am not drop dead gorgeous, I can't write damn well, my grammar is always sucks but I do have courage and I am not afraid to try and I always tried to look at the bright side of the world. And I am eager to be somebody great. The only things I don't have this moment just an opportunity to expand my life better.

I always believe that I have a voice and spirit to pass to the next generation. I just hope one day someone will come to me and says they like my story and they want to make my story into a movie and a book and I will put all my effort to make it one hell of a story.

At this moment I still feel like I am nothing.. I don't know why I feel this way, perhaps because I feel like I have not achieve anything yet. I couldn't get all my story out. There's a time I don't know where to begin... There's a time when I doubt myself so much. There's a time I think other people have better life story then me...

I just need to do it and start believing in it. I believe one day.... before my time is up I will have my first book out... I will be proud of myself.....

Life is hard to please..

2009-07-02T10:37:00.002+08:00

I wonder some times why does our life is so much of pleasing people surround us?

Example look at late Michael Jackson, throughout his 50 years he has been pleasing people surround him, he have to justify everything that he does,and his the King of Pop, his music live through all of us. YES no doubt he is weird sometimes and the way he does things but still this is his life and no one have a right to talk about his life even if his a public figure.

I wonder does living means pleasing?

I have come to the point of life where I don't give a fuck of what people say to me anymore. What they think of me doesn't reflect who I am and what I am going to be. I think we can only do so much for other people and the rest its up to us to colour our own world.

I have learned that by pleasing people around us that actually change us as a person and that is absolutely not a good thing.

I remember when I was younger, people alwyas commenting on Tun Mahatir and what he did for the country, they forgot that is because of him, we are where we are now,the world see Malaysia in diffrent ways and I always like his quote "knowledge is power, and it is up to us to use the power the way we want it". His a a great man and yes he does has flaws here and there, but look at what he did to our country. So far I haven't seen any other politics men out there change Malaysia the way he did.

So people out there, live your life the way you wanted it to be, you don't need to pleased anyone other than yourself.

If you don't like your job - quit.
If you don't like your life - change it.
If you don't like your relationship - work it
If you don't like your friend - get rid of it
But never ever change the way you are just because people say so.

Life is too damn short to do things that waste our time and time is something that you will never get it back if you waste it in the wrong way.

Stress

2009-04-17T22:56:00.003+08:00

I was down and close to depression few days back, hard to understand why suddenly I was overcome with feeling of angry, sad and depressed.

I thought I was ok, I thought I was pretty good handling my situation in my life, but when few people around me start to look at me differently, especially those that knew my condition, it starts to make me feel so depress. I thought I was about to lose my mind...

Looking at current situation I suppose to be happier, I got increament and few months bonus at work. I got few problem here and there nothing I can't deal with. Trust me, when you have pregnant manager things can really be stressful, women with their hormones running wild. But other than that I had nothing serious going on.

I been having sleepless night on and off, there is a time I woke up in the middle of the night and having problems to sleep again. Maybe I think too much, I think way too much about stuff. I need to start writing my book but I don't know where to start, I feel like talking to a stranger (some qualify doc) and paid them RM$$$ to just let them listen to me for one hour and cried out loud and get it over and done with.

I need to do something that take my mind off.. I need a break and a holiday away from everyone around me....

Time Travel

2009-04-13T12:42:00.008+08:00

While on the way to work today I saw an old women, planting Buganvillas at her gardens and that’s remind me of my grandmother, she loves gardening, she got from Hibiscus flower to rose, she got beautiful carnations and orchids. She always tell me that gardening is a good treat to soul..

If I could time travel, I would like to go through one more time with my grandmother, I want to spend some time with her and learn about gardening, plants and so on. I still remember how furious and determined my grandmother was and I was not exactly a good girl when I was young, I was stubborn, hot headed, I was rebellious and I was mischievous as well.

(Let’s time travel with me and I’ll shared with you my stories)

I start to run with my grandmother at a very young age, not because we like to exercise but it is more like she chasing me around the neighborhood for few reasons:-

Memory 1
I steal mangos from my neighbors (My justification... I was really craving for mangos)….and my grandmother finds out about it, visualize this…
My grandmother with Kain Batik or Malay call Sarong, tied half way above her chest, she was holding sickle and chasing me around house and she was 62 when this happen, and she be able to catch me and drag me home (What happen next was unimaginable).

Therefore, she tied me to the same damn mango tree that I have climbed earlier, and she decided to leave me there until I realize my mistake and learnt my lesson…
The best part, that tree was full of ants; red ants... angry ants I believe (trust me I so learn my lesson)

Memory 2

This happen when I was 12, I was so excited to follow my school trip to some of the water fall area, but I know if I tell my grandmother the truth she will never allowed me to go because she is worried about my safety, because of the temptation, my brain start to tell me otherwise, so I lied to my own beloved grandmother.

My grandmother are not easy to lie too, so one day after school I went to a public phone and starts calling my own house nervously, I pretend to be “my teacher”, I was using the handkerchief to make my voice sounds matured enough, and I told her that I need “myself” to help out in school and I am pregnant so that is why I need “me” to help. Somehow she buys that story, so I pretend to come back home with tired face and she told me my teacher call and ask me to help her around, because she were pregnant, and my grandmother offer to cook French toast for her.

My grandmother woke up at 5.00 in the morning to cook “my” teacher French toast and make me a very nice hot Milo. Of course I feel bad about it but after went to the bus for the water fall journey, I forgot everything thinking nothing bad could happen today. So happen, on the same day I went to waterfall my real teacher call my house to inform my grandmother about the report card day. So as you can see I am busted, the best part I didn’t know about it yet.

So after few hours having fun with my girlfriend, the bus took us back to school and I went back home from there, as I reaching home I realize something funny, my grandmother was waiting for me with a broom and a very cool face, so what I remember happen next was, I was running once again but this time, the whole neighbors was watching the drams between my grandmother and myself, it was embarrassing because I was already 12 and I had a crush with a boy that stayed in front of my house and he was there watching everything…..

Yes, I get caught AGAIN, this time my grandmother shaved my head bald, everyone start calling me KOJAK including my crush…

Memory 3

I have this habit since I was young, I love to climbed on the roof and stays there for a while, in fact I feel peace everything I’m here, sometimes I can hear my grandmother start looking for me and I can see and hear her very clearly, I can also see others neighbor doing some cooking, sometimes I can see their husband doing something they shouldn’t have done. I can see everything from my old house. This was my secret place for few years actually, except when my sisters start to be busy body about my hiding place and she wanted to come up and sit with me, being the youngest I can’t say much so I agree, what happen next was absolutely not my mistake, as you all know my relationship with my sister was terrible, I was not close to her for few reason:

1- She was been provide with a school bus and I got to walk to school everyday.
2- She always get new shoes and new clothes and I always use the same damn shoe for next few years
3- She was my grandmother golden granddaughter and I was not

So back to the stories when she was about to climb to the roof, I normally would climb from the tree that connect to the roof, she wanted to follow me so she did climb the tree unfortunately she slipped and she fell hard on the ground and she starts screaming and crying out loud, my grandmother rush out saw my sister crying and start asking why.. She told the whole story to my grandmother and I got beaten with a Buganvillas thin brunch, trust me it was painful. For this I believe I was innocent, my sister stupidity cause me in pain and I lost my hiding place forever…

I have to admit that my childhood experience was not like others. I had no dolls to play with; I had no friend to be with. I was different in the way i think and the way I dreams.. I want to be somebody big and somebody that great. I want my journey to be remembered forver in every each individual who knows me...

Good News

2009-04-10T20:47:00.004+08:00

Hmmmm so many things happened to me this week, so far everything as what I have planned.

1 - My CD4 count was 358 which is good, I just need to keep on monitor my CD4 count every 4 months.
2 - My friend H be able to help me to find someone to help publish my story in a book.
3 - My beloved friends taking me to perhentian island with helicopter end of this month.

That's life, I had no more complaints at this moment, everything seems smooth and sail perfectly, in fact this week when I went to Hospital for weekly check up I bumped into one of the writer that has his blog which I followed, his blog related to my predicament and he was there doing his normal routine and suddenly I just got an instinct that it was him, I approach him and basically call his name and we exchange numbers.

I always believe things happen for a reason, and sometimes it takes time to know that reason but as for now, I am clear with the reasons that happen. Glad is definitely not the right word, however I would say I am contented at this moment.

A small issue I have right now is how to write my manuscript, I have never written any manuscripts before and this will be my first book and my first manuscripts. How shall I begin? Should I start with the worst news in my life or should I start with the least worst....?

Death sentence

2009-03-20T10:39:00.006+08:00

Have God forsaken me or he just feel like giving me extra challenges in my life to make it more interesting.
Which one is worst:-

1- Dying with Cancer that spread across your body and some of the parts of body need to be removed...
2- Dying because of car accident and your body scattered all over the road and your family can't recognize you...
3- Dying because of grower older and you body can't function well anyway and you peeing everywhere and totally forgot where is the bathroom.
4- Dying because of worst disease like Bird Flu, AIDS and etc…

Now… I always believe that it is better to die and be prepared when the time come instead of just going without giving anyone any hints...

Facts: Everyone will die one day whether we like it or not, the scary part about death is because we all had no idea what happened to people who die, simple reason because none of them EVER came back and tell us what to expect! I believe death is just a gateaway from this journey to another. Not that I am scared with death with tumor on my head or HIV disease that in me or my daughter. But the future of my girl that I leave upon my death that scares me.

I remember few weeks back, I was shivering and scared to death just by thinking about dying, I thought the worst possible things in my life has happen so what’s next…

I did lock myself for few days and I was terrified, I was thinking if death approaches what I should do, I was not even religious to begin with, I do have slight faith towards my religion but that's about it. I was imagining vividly what people will do during my funeral, who will be there, will they cried? How about my daughter? Will she regrets everything she ever said to me when she was angry? Will she blame me for not telling her the truth? Will people remember me?

Will my soul will be stuck with my body as well, will I feel the cold worms entering my body from different direction and would people heard if I start screaming. What happen if I can’t breathe and I was asking for help and no one can hear me now… BUT I should be rationally... I am dead anyway so of course I believe my soul will be somewhere between the deep blue skies and the white cloud that I always seen on movies and perhaps I’ll see some angels around…

Now let me take you when I first received the bad news:-

- I've been sick on and off, it first starts with a fever, then I got Denggi, then I got growth at the back of my head, then end of 2008 I got shingles so I thought most probably because I've been stressed with my agencies and that could been the reason why I have been sick mentally and physically.

- Then suddenly my instinct struck me hard, perhaps I should get my blood test and I went to see my gynecologist and did my test. The 2 weeks waiting was really excruciating for me and I was getting anxious and then I received the call from the doctor and it was 1 day before my trip to Koh Lei Pei.

- The answer was “Positive” and I feel like God given me a death sentences and my legs was so weak I sat down in my car and cried loud and no amount of words could comfort me that day. I try to think positive even though the word somehow makes me feel shittier towards myself.The worst of that day, I got to go back to office because I got recordings that day and I have to put brave face as like nothing has happen. It just a bad dream! so I thought

- People said knowledge is power, and that is one thing I always believe, so what I did, I went Google about all the information on the test, they said that Western Blog is the accurate result and I decide to went to 2 different clinic and went for my holiday and then waited for the result before my mind start playing tricks on me.

- 2 days after coming back from my trip, both of the clinic call me at the same time, I was on the way to the 1st clinic when I received a call from the 2 clinic and both of them informing that the result is correct, once again I've to deal with the news. I call my girlfriends and start making arrangement for lunch and put a brave face and went to see F and O, I burst into tears when I saw F face, I though I could maintain poker face but I was too fragile to do so. After lunch both of them accompany me to the doctor’s room and I was so calm when the doctors show me the result. After walk out from the clinic to take a fresh air I suddenly feels like my knee went weak and weaker and I collapse. I just feel what else can God given me in my life that is not enough. I though I was being safe and being very caution about this and all of sudden I got the news I am "HIV POSITIVE".

I hate and angry at my bloody uncle for many reason, for destroying my future, for giving me and my girl HIV, for making both of our future jeopardies, no man would ever love me anymore, no one would ever want me because what I have and what I carry in me...

- For days I was in denial, I cried, I starts to think about my funeral, my will, my daughter well being and all the shit on my head. Then I start to think about my career, I told my direct Boss and he was very helpful to arrange a meeting with my boards of director and I went to see them and explain to them my condition and to my surprise, they actually accept my current predicament, I feel like I have been blessed by working with them and I really appreciate that at this moment.

- I was back to work after 3 days and I was downloading all the motivation words and phrase from the movies and all the songs to just drive me forward. I also remember "Rocky" phrase from the movie. It is not how hard you hit, it is how hard you get hit and keep on moving forward that make you alive".

- I start to visit the hospital every week, even though I hate the treatment I get there and sometimes it is so disappointed to see half of our Malaysian can’t speak good English and how bad is the services in the Gov hospital but I don’t have much choice. Do I?

- I starts to plan my life ahead and live everyday to the fullest even though there’s a time I feel all alone again, only few of my friends know about this, …I did tell Trisha after few months about our condition and she tell me something that make me have start running on my cheek.. mummy HIVWILL NOT AND WILL NEVER STOP YOU FROM ACHIEVING YOUR DREAM. NEITHER IT WILL STOP ME MUMMY...

Now I believe in one Motto in life “There’s a power under your control that is greater than poverty, greater than the lack of education, greater than all your fears and superstitions combined. It is the power to take possession of your own mind and direct it to whatever ends you make desire.”

Slums

2009-03-20T09:49:00.003+08:00

CHAPTER 05

I was watching this interesting movie call "Slum dog millionaire" and it remind me of my old life before this new life exist, I was 17 and a mother of 1 year old girl, earning only RM450 a month being a technicians at a lighting shop and staying in this “slum” nearby Petaling Jaya, it is not really slums per say but it is more like a squatters, I pay RM 50 a month, free water and electric but the house got hole everywhere and my house right behind the river. So every times it rains, it flooded the whole place, I sleep on the cold floor with Trisha, every night I can always hear the rats moving up and down my house probably looking for foods, and tons of roaches around the house.

My house got lots of hole that sometimes when I’m taking a shower I have to put clothes on because some pathetic schmuck will start peeping on me. The so call “Toilet” so dirty and so far away from my house. Trish too young to remember all the details and I try to forget the past of the pain and how poor we were. We do not have television or either radio, the wall too thin that sometimes I can heard neighbor have sex, or argument and other stuff.

My house is so close to one another that one bad incident happen, I was in the bathroom doing some laundry and I heard people running and screaming “Fire! Fire! I was stunned and panic of course when I saw few houses from mine caught the fire and the roof of my neighbors was quickly burning, the fire was spread so quickly I don't have a time to pack, I pick Trisha up and ran out with only my clothes and her birth certificate, I could feel the heat at the back of me and I somehow manage to get the extra strength to run so fast and I never look back, the fire took 1 life and many houses around us include mine, we have to stay in the “dewan rakyat” provide by the government till we can find another house. I stayed there for about 1 week, till I found another house to rent nearby the area, it was hard seeing my house, my stuff on fire and there’s nothing much I can do to save it. Life was pretty harsh back then, I even learnt how to bake so I can sell some food to survive, I woke up every day at 4am in the morning, starts cooking and I also have mini stall (just a table and a chair) on the top of the hill and start selling to students and working people nearby, I earn pretty decent money. From the money I earn I also save some so I can give Trish a better home in the future, in fact I used to dream to stay in the apartment like Bangsar and call it my home. I was so determined to change my life to become better. I’m just a girl that never be-able to finish high school and never went to university and I am so determined to be somebody, everyone think its impossible but I believe that nothing is impossible, if the mind believe, the heart can achieve.

Today after 14 years has passed; I am staying in a place call "apartment", in fact a damn good apartment with facility and with clean water and good lighting. I don’t have to stay in the squatters no more, I don’t have to worry every night if my house on fire, or to pack all the important documents nearby so when things happened I can quickly grab it and run, I don’t have to worry if today rains heavily so my house won’t be flooded or cover my self and Trisha in case roaches flew around us. I got stable job now in fact a damn good job and bought myself a car.

I was a slum girl once upon a time...

World War 2

2009-03-20T09:04:00.003+08:00

CHAPTER 03

When I was 10, my grandmother loves to tell the stories related to the war, when Japanese took over Malaya, my grandmother was only 14 and she get married at the age 12 due to the poorest of her family, she didn’t have any choice. She’s the 3rd child in her family. My great grandfather and grandmother work in farms, my great grandfather is Chinese converts to Muslim and my great grandmother Indian mix with Malay.

Looking back I loved all her stories and the best is I always lying down on her lap while she playing with my hair and tells me all the stories about how the boys in town crazy over her, how she chase them with wood when she founds out they actually make a hole near her room just to look at her every morning, she also like to tell about the time when she first kick her husband out of the bed on their first night, she’s only 12 years old so of course it is awkward having a old man touching you for the first time.. When Japanese attack Malaya she was doing some work at the farms, her husband was on the way back from work, and Japanese stop her husband and kill him. The neighbors found my grandmother husband lying on the street and blood all over the road. My grandmother world falling apart and she’s only 14 and her parents didn’t allowed her to come back. She starts learning how to massage people and help some women in town deliver their babies, so she became “midwife” if I pronounce this correctly.

Of course my grandmother got married again, and again and again, total of husbands she got married too close to 10. But I believe in her times of course she has been through a lot of ups and downs in marriage and he was looking for the perfect husband, that when she meet my grandfather. .. My Tokwan, that what I call my grandfather working as secret police agent in his younger age, he was 31 when he fall in love with my grandmother, he was trying to court her for about 5 years and he never give up. He in fact sends thousand bouquet of flower to my grandmother to ask her to marry him. When they first got married, they move to Kuala Lumpur, my grandmother leave my father to our great grandmother to look after because they both wants to build a life and it is quite difficult to do so with my father around. My grand father got an offered to work in police force at Gua Musang and that is when he got major accident at age 35 due to accidentally bomb blast near Gua Musang and he loss his hearing forever. My grandmother has to take over the job and starts fighting with British and Malaya together. My grandfather was given a job in the office for paperwork.

Unfortunately after 8 year they got married, they haven’t got a child together, my grandmother adopted my aunt (ACU) from a poor Chinese families nearby our area. My grandmother born to be the fiercest mother ever, I remember my aunt used to tell me how my grandmother throw her from the house to the road just because she forgot to cook, she also got scar from 1 inch nails stuck to her head when she forgot to cleans the house. When I was born my grandmother still got the same fierce but I guess not too much compare with what my aunt got. My grand father is the best, in fact I only know that he is my step grandfather when I was 10 year old, I loved talking to him every morning, walking to school with him is the best, even though sometimes I’m having problems to communicated with him and I’ve to shout and repeated my questions over and over again but I really loves my Tokwan. His advice is the best. He always told me that to see the world is to feel the world. I don’t really understand when I was young but now I see his point of life. When he past away, I was not around, I was in London trying to feel the world, he past away on 8th April 2001 at age 78 and he was all alone in the hospital as my aunt told me, he can’t walk, he can’t talk, he fell in the bathroom and he coma for life and the doctor have to pull the plug since my aunt can’t really afford to pay the hospital bills. I do wish I can turn back the time and come back and kiss him and talk to him and tell him and my grandma how much I loves both of them. My grandmother past away on 8th February 2006, No one was there when she past away.

I had a dream that morning at 3.00am and I dreamt she bath me with 7 type of flower and 7 type of water and when I woke up I wanted to go and visit her, tried to call a cab couldn’t get any since back then I haven’t got any car by the time I reached at my aunt house, she already gone and I was looking at her sweet serene face and remember all the GOOD STORIES and all the songs that she used to sing to me whenever I scared of the thunder…. Opah and Tokwan may God places you in the Best Heaven and may we meet again one day when my time come. I missed both of you so much and I hope you are proud of me now… I am sorry I couldn’t tell you how much I love both of you when you around but here is the stories that I could write about your life to the world.

Pursuit of Happiness

2009-03-18T16:29:00.007+08:00

what is life...

This year will be the last year I celebrating my twenties of my life. There’s lots of achievement I've done so far and there’s lots more to come I hope for the future. I am still doing a soul searching at this moment, honestly I am not too sure which part of my soul I searching but I guess along the way I will find the answers.

In this peak of my age I got the most shocking news of my own predicament and it is beyond what I've expected in my life. It is not good, but I would like to take this as my "Wake up call" moment to make the best out of my life.

I’m writing this to re-cap all my starting of my teenage age and my twenties, the failure and achievement I have collected so far:

16 YEAR OLD
How do I begin...?

-Got raped by my own uncle
-My school rejected me
-Been force to marry a guy I don't even know
-Got pregnant and being a mother at young age.
- almost got sold to money lender by my own husband...
- got mentally abusive and physical abusive by my husband
- got raped again in London with 3 black guy
- got brain tumor few years after that

so lets start when the first time I know about life..

-I didn’t celebrated my birthday this year because I’ve just become a mother to a baby girl weight 1.6kg on Saturday at 8.05pm at HBKL, my auntie was there and she was so anxious about it, I have been in the hospital since 3.30am last night. I have this unbearable pain. I suppose to be in school doing my homework at this time concentrating SPM and planning for my future but I guess my life never really follow as what I want or the way I planned to happen.

-After suffering for 12 hours Trisha was born into this world, I was actually the most youngest mother in that hospital that day, My grandmother was so happy and my auntie was glad that I was save. I was not so glad with it in the beginning especially when Trisha likes to cried so much. She was in the incubator for close to 6 months and I am kind of “Stuck” with her as well. -After 6 months I start taking her back to my grandmother house and the amount of gossip and rumor running wild in the neighbor hood. -I got married to a man I hardly know less than 1 month, my grandmother got to arrange the marriage to protect Trisha’s from her birth certificated been name Abdullah at the end. I was married on the 31st August 1995, few months before she born. -I thought it will change my life to something better somehow It leads me to something worst than I’ve ever imagine.

This is one of the stories in my life where I try to forget..

My 17th birthday
-This is the most saddest year for my future, I suppose to be in school performing academicals activity instead of being a housewife to a man that so lazy to work, I have been treated like a dog, I have been kicked, punch, shout at and so many other stuff than I can’t remember much nowadays. -I do understand that my current husband doesn’t love me very much and it is “Have too” situation anyway.

I filed for divorce, starts live once again in lighting shop and earn abour RM 400.00 a month. Struggling but I am not complaining. I still ahve enough fire to study and educated myself. I remember when my grandfather tell me that education is a golden ticket to life and I start vizulize my dream..

My 18th birthday
I took my O level exam with Trish on my laps and I apply for divorce and I found out that my SPM result was excellent, better than what I was expected. I start looking for a house in Gombak to rent and start planning for my life.

-There’s a time when situation get desperate and things get worst but I’ve been through worst situation ever. Nothing can bring me down.

- I also remember how I went to Changkat Raja Chulan went to building to building, floor to floor to get a job. Gosh.. I think I've work as Technician, Sales Girl, promoters, direct selling, receptionist until to Executive level. So yeah to be rich you got to work so hard in life.

20 year old
- I was struggling in life, got a sales job in Timeshare Company, got bullied like hell by some of the people there because I often bring Trisha to the office and people make fun of me because I always wear the same clothes because I don’t have luxury provide to me, I have to earn to get it. I still remember vividly in my head when the first time I went for a job interview I don not have any clothes to wear, I have my favorite green Baju Kurung that’s very striking and a pair of school shoes that is still very good to wear, I went for the job interview riding a bike, my neighbor offer himself to help me to send me to Jalan Duta, when I got there, hundreds of beautiful, gorgeous girl was waiting to get the job which I still had no idea what we suppose to do and without any qualification I am proud of myself to get through 2nd interview with this nice lady name Cecilia.

She told me I can starts working in Jalan Yap Kwan Seng next Monday and my basic salary will be RM2500.00 a month. For the first time in my life I will be able to see my accounts full of cash and I was only 19 year old back then. I have to struggle the first few months because the job is about selling and I am not really good about it, so I thought, I turn out to be the Best Sales person in Penang for close to 1 year, I just got this special power in me to just pursuit doing the best I can and I did with God’s will..

Before I start this job I was knocking doors to doors to sell vacuum cleaner Electrolux earns RM 200 a month and trying live in a very harsh way, got chase like a dog from people and been chased by a big dog.

My 21st birthday
Went to London with Trisha with only few thousand ringgit, we slept at Ealing Broadway Garden for few nights, I was walking 5km daily to find a job, struggle to find a place to stay, and she was only 5 year old, we slept in the public toilet with newspaper underneath us, I got a job at Golden Saloon and earns 400 pound sterling a week back then currency only 5.6 pound sterling, rent a room belongs to old Jamaican lady for 240 pound a week, work 2 jobs and surviving with the breads and kebabs most of the time, went to Piccadilly Circus in London and saw amazing things along the way…

If I could go back to past....

I would do the same thing i've done in this life over and over again. I wont change a damn thing about my life.

First time in my life I steal a food for sake of my girl in Mc Donald; this corporate British man didn’t finish his breakfast Big Mac set. Trisha looked at me and in her eyes I know she wants it, I went to the mc Donald pretend to take napkins and quickly put the food in the tissue and ran out, we ran to the tunnel and ate it on the side of the stairs, the happiness on Trisha face while eating the food makes me happy.

We both saw a very nice purple tree during winter and for that second we both forgot our pain and suffering and coldness of the weather and we both look so happy, unfortunately I didn't have enough money to buy winter clothes so we often wear few t-shirt and sometimes it gets so cold and it's difficulties to walk, we went to Piccadilly circus to eat Pizza one day, the Pizza damn expensive, we saw some exciting scenery like Al Fayed tour bus and we saw Birmingham Palace and we I carry her on my shoulder and we both feel like we're in heaven.

I saw something that until today I cant forget, a 12 year old girl got killed in front of me, I was walking from Brentford to Ealing because my saloon is there, its still early that mo0rning most probably 9am, its so cold as usual in London and its close to xmas, I was about 20 feet away from the girl, I guess she waiting for a school bus.. about 15 feet away I saw a african american guy taking out something from his pocket towards the girl and shot her in the head and walk away. I was stunt or shock or thinking I might be dreaming but the sound so loud few people from the nearby cafe walk out and then I heard a loud screaming. The little girl seems so innocent but yet she got killed for no reason. I turn back to my home and give Trisha a big huge hug and skip work that day..

I have done something big in my life, never any of my family members been to overseas not even my parents, my great grandparents but I did on my own, without money, without friends and the best things is I did with only GUTS with me!

Went to Dusseldorf Germany during October Fest.
Celebrate my birthday at this Irish Green Pub and bought myself my own "21" necklace that I always wanted when I was young.

22nd Birthday
Trisha and I we went to New South Wales in Australia 289, Hudson Parade. Facing the island and lovely yacht, we went to Sydney town near Darling Harbor and Botanical Garden, Trisha and I saw this huge Christmas tree for the first time in our life and it is not that far away from David Jones Shopping mall if I pronounced it correctly. We were staring the tree so high and our mouth is wide open and I cant believe how long we have been doing that, the enst things I realize she told me "Mummy the bigger the tree is, the better our present right?" and I just nodded to her agreeing that.

We decorate Xmas tree together that night with Winnie the Pooh, honestly its turns up damn ugly.

I bought Trisha gWoody from the movie “Toy Story” and I write myself a letter from Santa, I still believe in Santa Claus even at age of 22, I thought Santa must be this amazing guy that loves giving charity to children and make their dreams come through.

We had fish and chips nearby Darling Harbor and we saw thousand of bats coming out from Botanical Garden Sydney. Lovely and amazingly un believable. I did go underneath Sydney Bridge and go look up at the bridge with amazing feeling and never across my mind will I put my feet in Australia.

23rd Birthday
Came back to Malaysia, we end up sleeping in the bustop because I couldn't find a place to stay and I need to save the money for our new house, rent an apartment at Desa Petaling, start life all over again and trust me starting life all over again is so damn hard and sometimes I always wonder if I might go into depression but so far I am pretty tough girl, put Trisha in Kindergarten nearby my house, I got job in Fitness first and start working again.

24th Birthday
Got opening in Air Asia, I work up at 5.00am for the interview until 4.30pm. I have tried most probably close to 8 times and this will be my last year trying. I didn’t get to the interview, it always until the measurement and I never pass, I don’t know why I want to try so many times even though I know my heights will be an issue, I just like the thrills of trying. I also did join Fear Factor Malaysia, to be the first 4000 people go through the test and all and be able to go through it and I was at National Television on NTV7, yes I didn’t win anything but I proved myself that I have better GUTS and COURAGE to do what I want to do in life. Really desperate to win the RM10K to further my study in writing and yes I did cried for not getting the job from Air Asia and I also cried from losing on Fear Factor Malaysia. I don’t like the sour feeling of losing in my life and sometimes God don’t give me much option in this life to choose.

I want to prove to (Trish) her that life is all about trying, you might fail but you did your best and certain things work in different way but we definitely will learn something valuable out of it. And I did learn lots of thing from my life.

My life similar to Will smith movie "Pursuit the Happiness" except in Malaysian version. Funny I never thought that until I saw the movie and I said damn.. this movie is so like my life...

My 25th Birthday
Been offered to work at Celebrity Fitness, finishing my FISAF training for personal trainer, took driving license.

I further my dregree in Sport Science because I believe life begin with dreams and education. I have seen a up and down of life and I do not want to ever being poor ever again. I believe when we have spirit to fight we can. we just cant give up.

Admitted to hospital, doctor found out I have malignant in my head and its too close to my blood vessel in the brain and it can't be operated. I believe life in my head to decide how long so I am going to fight this through..

My 26th Birthday
My beloved grandmother passes away and it really took half of my courage and spirit to move on because she meant a lot to me, I and Trish bath her and her calm face got wash by the cold water, I tried to gathered myself and show a brave face but there’s few times I felt like I’m close to breaking down in front of Trisha. I regretted I couldn’t tell her how much I love her…Pass my driving license and went to her grave and tell her if she still alive I will take her for a ride and show her the world and she will be so proud of me.I feel like sharing to her my journey so far in this world and I want her to be so proud of me one day…

Something that I wrote for her the day she passed away.

I was about to have lunch yesterday when my aunt called me."Opah dah meninggal".I entered my room, closed the door and quickly changed. I wanted to be there before they do anything to Opah. Halfway through, I sat down and cried. I just couldn't believe what I just heard. Opah? Gone?I was planning to see her this Saturday to take her to the clinic, but God had other plans for her.

I was busy painting my house the whole weekend and I was thinking about to take her to see a specialist to help find better medication for my grandmother. Unfortunately my intention was good but I wish I was not too late…It was the longest journey I have ever taken. The cab ride from my house to her house felt forever. My mind was replaying memories that I have stashed in a quiet little corner a long time ago. I remembered the time when Opah cooked delicious fish sambal for me.I remembered when Opah chased me around the compound because I still wanted to play after dark. I remembered following Opah when she did her rounds, healing the sick, delivering babies. I remembered those rainy days when I would sit down with her and listen to her stories. How things were during the Japanese occupation. How those naughty boys in the village would tease her, some even courting her and asking her hand in marriage. And when thunder and lightning strikes, she would cuddle me close, knowing how scared I was. Goodbye Opah.

She was notorious. She was a strict, fierce disciplinarian and the mere mention of her name would send the neighborhood kids running. I've had my fair share of being chased by broomsticks and belts for being naughty, and I always cry after that. Despite her cold exterior, she always had a soft spot for me. She would wipe my tears and sing me a lullaby. When I arrived, Opah was already laying down, her body covered in the living room of her little house. I knelt next to her, opened her shroud and kissed her face. She looked so serene. All the worries in the world have finally left her, allowing her to leave in peace. At around 4:00pm, neighbors carried her body to the 'surau' downstairs. I, my aunt and my daughter helped prepare her for her funeral. I still couldn't believe she was gone. I touched her hand, and tried to look for a pulse. I touched her chest, looking for a beat in her heart. There was none. Gently, I allowed cold water to envelope her lifeless body, washing away all the impurities so that she will be clean and glowing when she meets her Maker. I studied her for the last time. The wrinkles on her face told stories of hardship, and there were still stories left untold. Stories that will remain with her, unknown to anyone. However, she was smiling. I suppose after being alone for years, she was happy she could finally meet her husband and son (both my grandfather and dad passed away some time ago).

Her hands were soft and tender. It was these pair of hands that took care of me when my parents left. Her hands made delicious meals, gave comforting pats, healed me when I was sick, bathed and soaped me when I was littleI love listening to her stories while bathing with her and she will Shampoo my hair with this smelly coconut water that she will kept underneath fridge for weeks, I can’t stand the smell but it is very soothing when it touch my head, I love when she cooked me my favorite “Sambal Ikan” and whenever I feel down I just cuddled her, her scent is very peaceful and she love baby powder. I can talk about her on and on and on…

Today, it was my turn to bathe her.I didn't want to hurt her, so I was as careful as I can be. I washed every inch of her body, even between her toes. I attended to every detail. When it was time to wrap her under the six layers of white burial shroud, I just couldn't let go.
It was so hard to watch my grandmother going away without her kiss on my cheek and her soft old hand holding me tight anymore.

Her body was buried at the cemetery near her house. Just a few places away, my grandfather and my father were already resting in peace, waiting for her to join them. Everything was over by 6:00 pm. My Opah ended her journey in this world, and she's off to begin her journey to the eternal.If heaven does exists I’ll pray to God may he put her in the best place in heaven and may soon I’ll be joining her there.

My tears have yet to dry. Opah, I miss you and love you very much. May God bless her and place her among the righteous. I hope to see you one day. I hope you will be watching me and be my side when I need you the most. Please give me courage, strength to go on this world without you to hear my story anymore.

27/28th Birthday
Got offered to MP (One of the biggest compant in Broadcast Industry), for few years I was asking my friend if she can help recommend me to MP, she told me I’m not glamour enough, just to proved that she wrong and I am capable for what she claims I can't because I am not as smart as her, I check the website, click on MP and saw HM looking for people to work, I sent an email to SLP personally on my own effort and ask if his interested if I can be part of his "interesting” team and he called me for interview, went few times and I got the job, I am so proud of it and so wanted to brag to my "friend" and tell her that even though I’m not glamour and smart enough but I got the job on my own effort unlike her who got the job based on people recommendation.

Life pretty stressful and exciting because I’m learning new stuff but my boss sexual harassment create a phobia and grudge to myself towards him and in directly I sabotage my own work and I end having this imaginations of killing him in my thoughts.

My contracts didn’t get renewed and I didn’t get my bonus at all and it was 1 week before Hari Raya. I tell myself that God love me so much that he just love challenges me and put me in a situation that sometimes pretty tough to swallow.

My 29th Birthday
This 2008 is just a damn good year for me, got myself a brand new car MyVi, and got good agency and challenging workload. Trisha just finishes her UPSR she got 1a 4b and Trisha is 13 year old this year.

Planning to buy a house for her and myself, we both deserved someone that love us and I want to build a family for us, where I can cook and bake and she can play with dogs at our backyard and hopefully I'll meet someone interesting that just had enough of everything and not scared of taking the risk in life and never want to stop learning from each other, and I’m in love with myself again.

Doctor tell me something that totally change my life and how I look at life from now on....

(Even though I was not expected my predicament which only happen in February but on and on I am glad to achieved so many things within such a short period of time)

For this life and the life ahead of me, I am going to live my life to the fullest and I'm going to live for this moment.............

Are you going to finish strong!

2009-03-17T16:09:00.006+08:00

Am I going to finish strong?

I’m not an angel…I’m also not a Devil; I am a combination of both… But what I always believe in my life is I can take up pain very well, because I always have this little voice in me that always motivate me from time to time.

There’s a time I tell myself no matter how bad I fall on the ground, I’ll try hundred times to get up and if I fail hundred times and I give up, I don’t think I would ever GET UP?, but if I fail and I try again, and again and AGAIN, I believe out of 300 times I tried I definitely will get up again and I get up even stronger and more powerful than I was down.

What matters the most in this world is how you going to FINISH it. Are you going to FINISH STRONG… because if you do then you will find the STRENGTH to get up and FIGHT, what you need is a clear mind and everything follows along and positive mind can give positive vibes and that’s all you need and that’s all I ever need this time around.

The current predicament of myself of course doesn't look good, in fact few weeks back I was in denial stage, I was not accepting my situation, I was asking myself the same question over and over again why me? I was feeling despair, pain, fell like someone abandon me, I feel alone, and sad of course .Now I have learn to accept my real situation and I be able to turn it around and make the best out of it. In fact I had a dream of myself blowing my birthday cake at age 87 and I look damn healthy than ever. I can even see my grandchildren and my great grandchildrens running around.

The key of life is "BELIEVE" and I do believe in Miracle.

2009-03-16T10:38:00.005+08:00

CHAPTER 01
Beginning

How do I begin?

I was born on 17th October at one of those old government hospital, I had very blur version of my childhood and I would like to put this blame on my late parents, reason being because they has separated just before I was born, my dad believe my mum has been fooling around with few men’s around our house, which I doubt it but I guess my dad has his insecure within himself, my mom pretty hot and sexy I guess, I have seen her pictures and my dad and I think both of them look good together.I brought up to this world I believe with one reason and one reason only.

To share my story and to cried and cherish with people who knows me and people who understand me and people who about to know about me. I have stories to tell, it is not great but it is a journey that I believe I might benefits to some people, or either to give them encouragement to move on. Or to learn from the mistakes that I made along the way and find a better way when they come across the same situation.Anyway after I born, my dad took me away from my mom and take care of me, did I tell you I had 2 twin sisters, they both born on 14th November 1976. But this story is not about them, it is about people I meet along my journey, stories that I heard and life that I see on my journey to find purposes in lifeI vividly remember my beloved Grandma, I starts staying with my grandmother after my dad left me when I was 3 year old, he got bad temper and he like to throw his tantrum to me and sometimes I do take the beating and the kicking, I guess that’s the reason I don’t remember him that much, I do remember when his in a nicer mood, he will take me around Brickfield with his old bike and buy me coke which back then coke was made in this heavy bottle and not can and tell me some stories of his life which I can't understand much back then.

Things change along the way he decided to get married to this hot, sexy stewardess and left me with my grandmother.My grandmother have to look after 3 of us which is my sisters and myself and she only working as a masseur back then and she don’t earn enough money. My grandfather working as a security guard somewhere in KL I guess, I was too young to remember all the details.

My dad haven’t come back to house for quite a numbers of years and I heard he was happily married and got 1 son, so we all move on with life and I never remember anything about him since then, I thought I will never see his face again but when I was 8, I saw he came back and bought a house next to my grandma house, but he never came to the house to see us, he never call me his daughter, he never take me on his bike ever again, in fact I have to call him something else, I can’t call him dad or Ayah or Papa, I had to call him uncle, and I use to wonder probably there’s not much different between uncle and dad, but when I grew up I realize there’s lots of different, he embarrassed to call us his daughters because he married for the 3rd time with this rich women and he lie to her that he was not married before and he don’t have any children and he don’t have any mother, the women married him because he all alone in this world.Whatever his reason was, I have forgive him and I guess if he still alive he got a lot of explanation to do with me and my grandmother which is his own mother. He disowned his own mother.Before I losing my track lets re-cap about my mother, my mom has been missing from our sight since my dad divorce her, she never came back reason being because my dad threaten her if she ever come back to take the children's, he will pour an acid to my mom face of course she got scared and terrified by his words.

We heard she re-married to an army guy and the guy sold her off to prostitution place due to his bad debts, poor my mother, I heard from my grandma that she suffered few broken ribs and her face so badly damage that she just end up working for the people there because she so scared to get out.My Grandma did went to her place where she work before, my grandma come back home and crying and I remember asking my grandma what happen? And she never tells me until few years before her death. She also did told me that my mom die in the most horrified ways, she has been dead for 1 week and the neighbor call the police due to the smells and found out her body decomposed and no one by her side.I did saw her when I give birth to Trisha, my grandfather found her dazed around the bus stop and took her back, for the first time I meet my mom and she’s not in a good condition, her face was drooping and the smells of her pees on her clothes really disgust me. I guess I’m feeling that way because I never see her before and when I did the impression she make terrified me and of course I was angry because I wonder why all these years she never come back to see her own daughters.

She got mental breakdown and starts telling me why don’t I starts paying for her expenses and get her house and so on, so my grandmother told her why don’t she go back to her house and leave us alone, she did… that was the first and the last day I ever see my mom… sad?

Yes I was very sad, in fact I cried after I found out the way she died.I don’t think anyone deserved to die like that or to be remembered in such a memory but I guess that’s her fate. Her English is superb, she speaks fluent English and inside her eyes I can see so much pain, I wish I can help but I was too young...let's time travel back when I was 8, I studies at St Teresa (2) Brickfield and since we pretty poor, I've to walk from my house as early as 4am and reach to school by 6am, sometimes if I walk faster I can reach there by 5.30am, I sometimes walk with my grandfather, sometimes I walk by myself, fear was not a question back then because education is the most important thing that my grandfather always told me. I do not have much pair of shoes, and sometimes I have to wear the same pair of shoes until the bottom of the rubber came off then my grandma will try to stitch back or if it still not working then she will buy me a new pair of shoes.My grandmother will only give me 20 cents for pocket money and I'll always keep in in my piggy bank which made from bamboo. I'll help my grandfather after school where his working another part time job, one as a security guard and another one serving people teh tarik and roti canai. I'll help him wash the plate so we can bring back some of unfinished foods from the shop.

Sometimes my grandfather don't want me to dirty my clothes and he will ask me to wait, so i'll walk around and went to book store and read some fairy tales books and learn to speak English with the sales girl there until his finish work. Then me and my grandfather will make a journey back and he will tell me lots of stories when his was young and how education very important and so on....

My Grandfather love to buy a 4 digit number, he said Luck doesn’t exist but opportunity does knocking on the door if you try, that’s the reason why he bought the number with hope that one day he will strike lottery and win big money, I never really asked him before why is it important for him to win. I spend most of my time with my grandfather I missed him dearly.

My grandmother and grandfather thought me a great value in my life which is everything you wants in life you got to work really hard for it. Perhaps I wish I am much wiser so I can have good conversation with them and understand them slightly better.

My grandfather passed away when I was in London with my daughter, he was very upset with me because I took Trisha and start my own life and ignoring him, but I wasn't… I was trying to explore my life and I wish I could explain this to him so he will forgive me.

There’s a time I will tell people I met along my life different stories of my dad, mom and sometimes I’ll tell them I got brothers or I got big families, my dad is a doctor or a surgeon and my mom is a lecturer or a writer. I like to visualize that, even though I know sometimes it is not real, it does make me happy for not telling them about who I am and what I am.

Very few people out there know much about my life, in fact I' ve never really share with them my stories, and I guess don’t know how to begin and where to start…

Puzzle

2009-03-11T17:05:00.005+08:00

THE STORY BEGIN HERE:-

Sometimes I believe life is just like a big huge giant puzzle, you need to take time to do it as old people said patience is virtue and sometimes you will made few mistakes along the way but it is ok because you can always do it again and when the puzzles is complete it is amazing how beautiful it can be. It takes time, effort and patience. I love my blog title; I find it interesting if a person in this universe starts taking their life as if their last day in this earth.

I had few reasons why my blog title is such, firstly I love the song that sang by Tim McGraw, secondly I think sometimes we're living our life like we outlived God, it seems like we going to live life forever and because of that lots of people making a same mistake I did.

I forget to live my life to the fullest, the next thing I know I am dying and death came so quickly that I can't even avoid it.

So here I am taking about live and death at the same time. I had another blog before this but my previous blog was pretty straight forward, this time I want to make it more interesting. I want to tell mys tory to the world, I love the idea of life is like a puzzle, the funny thing about it I do not have patience to complete it, the satisfaction is amazingly achievable and it takes time but time is what I don't have

I always believe we born in this world for a purpose, If I am a musician, I would compose a song for the world to hear it, if I am a dancer I will dance so people can enjoyed it and understand my move, if I am a artist I will draw an abstract art so people can analyzed it but I am a writer so I am going to write my story and shared it to the world.

Life's like a puzzle to me, sometimes it gets hard but sometimes it may seem easy. My life is not at all interesting but my journey is amazing and I've learned wonderful things throughout that I would love to share and to allow you to complete my puzzle if my journey were to end today so that you can share it with the world that has a puzzle to complete just like mine.