Goodbye November

Today is the 29th November...

I have many sweet, bitter, sour memories of November,to the memories that I had for a bitter, I want to forget about it completely, to the memories that sweet I want to keep it and store it in my mind as long as I can, to the memories that sour, I do want to learn from it and be a better person...To the most of it ... I believe it will make me a better friend, a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better wife and a better in many things as well..

I have learned to accept and I have learn to adapt... two most important essence in life in order to be better. I also have learn to grow UP... to use my brain most of the time either morning, afternoon or evening.

I read through everything I have written before and I realize sometimes I get too emotional over certain things, sometimes I get to passionates over certain issues. I have to learn to let go... I have too.. if not I will live in grieve for the rest of my life...

So today... I am letting go everything for the month of November. November take up too much "space"...

I need more space to gather more memories.
...
Goodbye November... I know I will see you again but I promise it will be different the next time we meet....

life is something that happens when you cant get to sleep

Off late i feel like every time I close my eyes I feel as if so many things worries me, I feel as if I am 21 again, that I have to start struggle my life all the time, I feel as if my life is coming to the end..

Am I dreaming? or is it my life has come to the end of road? What is life beneath us? What is our purpose of life struggling and trying to live in this world?

Those are the question I seem cant find the answer... I wish one day I will know..I wish I will know it before my time comes to the end..

I remember watching SWEET NOVEMBER and how wonderful life is if you can just maintain the beautiful memories of LOVE just as it is....

I lost the feeling of LOVE, I am afraid I cant love anyone anymore... I am so afraid and fear of LOVE... Should I give up on it just because I have tried many many times and my heart seems like been broken to piece in thousand times...

I don't know the answer for now.. But I hope when LOVE come and find me, it will a wonderful love, not a painful one....

SURPRISE.

My title of this blog is life is full of surprise, now let me explain I do know this phrase often been mention around me but never I thoughts that i will live through this phrase of word ever..

And seriously. I can't wait to know what will be next..

I live a life as a fighter, and I will fight harder and harder every year.People often ask me, do I have so much courage and strength, my answer will be NOT at ALL... but the strength I get was my daughter, for her I fight harder, for her I strike harder, for her I PROMISE to give her a family she never had, to give her a father she never has, for her I strike and I will fight harder. WITHOUT HER I AM GONE. WITHOUT HER MY STRENGTH IS EMPTY, WITHOUT HER I AM NO ONE.

May God give me strength to fight and courage to survive because I know my life will be full of suprise.....

life as it is..

I remember my 31st Bday, when I decided to make a big decision, my decision was based on what I really feel.

Today 27th November 2010, I woke up early morning, realizing I made a big decision to walk out of a Big comfortable life, a comfortable love because I want to build it all over again. Am I afraid? YES I am very afraid, AM i regretting what I did, NO... NOT AT ALL.

You may not always end up where u thought you were going but you will always end up where you were meant to be... This is so true. I know few years down the road I will looked back and realize how far my journey.

This month of November is so challenging after broke up with my 4 years boyfriend, to car accident to losing my home, and my family that I build for 4 years, I feel as if I want to give up, I feel as I had no one around me, I wondering if this what God want my life to be, for the past 21 years, it has been tough, I feel I bleed too much to walk it through it again, I feel as if I lose my legs, I feel as if I lose my soul...

Again, I am asking God, please... I had enough of hard life.... please granted me one wish for happiness that I deserve, please God, cause I can't bare these any more... No MORE...I think I have used all my strength, courage and faith for all I got and I left with none.....

For you who reading, I will ask for your prayers, may my life will go smoothly after this, for those who never know me, I ask you to send your prayers to those who have similar hard life as me.. For those who know me and reading this.... I know you guys always pray for me...

my mind going around again

listening to a song from David Guetta & Chris Willis ft Fergie & LMFAO - Gettin' Over You and thinking about all the decision I have done so far.. I'm not regretting my decision either is good or bad things that has been happening around me.

I am happy, I know time will heal everything soon and I can't wait for those time to come because I feel really alone and I feel as if everything that I have tried to worked it out doesn't seem to work or perhaps can I just put the blame on fate?

I wish I could fly to the moon just like Frank Sinatra song, and sit down on the moon and see the world underneath me.. and just enjoy the beautiful world and universe that has been created for all of human kind.

LOVE

I am thinking about everything today, about how the world seems to me, the color of the world has change in the past few days..

The world seem green to me lately, no more blue and no more red..Green

Green is the color of peaceful, hope, and love perhaps..


but that is not love.... that is fear and living a life with a fear of hurting someone is impossible.. One way or another sometimes in life we tend to hurt someone feeling, either by rejecting it or objecting it.

My grandfather use to say, if we want to be happy, we got to tell how we feel, no matter what is the outcome, or how other feel about it because this is not their world... this is our one world, we create the color we want to create.. we make the world as beautiful as we like.. the color is in our hand, it is up to is to choose and put it in the canvas of our life..

Love does exist in my life, just like how I love Trisha, I love my friends and my dogs, so love is universal, the definition of love giving an impact to the world, if only war could end by a simple love, i believe we will be in the most peaceful place..

People who love does not hate, people who in love, looking things at the positive side of life, people who are in love will do wonders thing that, they themselves didn't know that they could.

thats why the color of my world has change today, it is no longer red which define anger, hatred, grudge, it is no longer blue, storm, rough sea.... its is green... a simple green leaf that just about to grow and I believe if I nurture it right it will be stronger than I could even imagine.. and for that I am going to go wherever the wind blow me and for once... I'm gonna let it be... and I believe I am so close to the road of safe after many broken road I have taken, after so much blood have been drop from my feet.. I have now found a peace within myself....

I might just found LOVE...

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

HAART

Today is my 5th day starting the anti viral medication, I am taking HIRAPHINE 200mg and TENVIR-EM 300mg.

I start taking because my CD4 counts drop to 146 and I believe either way I want to live longer so I have to start somewhere. Here I am sharing my side effect taking those medication:-

1-4 day - I was throwing up, I got serious stomach upset, serious dizziness and motion sickness.
5th day - I still feeling motion sickness and it SUCKS, I can't drive, move or even doing my daily routine.

I start with once a day first which I set a time between 9am, after 2 weeks I will start taking twice a day at the same time 9am and 9pm. My life now permanently depending on medication to live.

am I afraid? oh hell yes, I was afraid when I got admitted due to Thrush infection cause by CANDIDA virus and it got worst, I got scared when I saw this old lady suffering in hospital and she can't move and her family disowed her for the disease that she got...I was afraid of death, I was afraid people will be afraid to touch my body because of the disease I am carried. I am afraid for my future that is so uncertainty in many ways.

but I got better.. I got better because I want to fight this virus, I got better because I am aiming to be on the list of people that fighting for the right of human rights in my countries, I got better because I ready to let people know my status as HIV-POSITIVE. I got better because I don't want to die hopeless and hoping that they will find a cure, and that is what people since 1930 hoping for until now, there is still no CURE. I don't want to hope anymore.. I want to live and I want to fight. I am a fighter and I want to fight hard.

I know this mean it will be hard for me to get a job. I just quit my job due to discrimination in my office, and I am working in one of the biggest broadcast media in Malaysia, people so damn educated but so damn stupid and naive, they think I might infected them with the virus if I sneeze or share foods. I quit because I no longer see myself working for idiot so called "educated" and I want to fight the right cause. I want to let these people know that this HIV POSITIVE women they afraid of, going to fight hard. I want to create organisation of ACTIVTIS IN MALAYSIA, specially in KUALA LUMPUR for those white collar people with the sickness and create a career opportunity for them, because we are talented, smart, educated people, we do believe that just because we been infected by the disease doesn't mean we less valuable. We are more valuable then people who dont have the disease because we fight harder.

Yes of course, we do have ups and down of our sickness and sometimes we might get sick and got medical leave here and there, but that doesn't mean we want to be push away.

In my country people still skeptical to employee people with this sickness because they afraid, that is because they dont know well and they think they are invisible from it, no body invisible enough of it. When you got it, you can make the best out of it instead if complaining.

people afraid to date people with this sickness and they become hypocrites, they write and support about awareness of this predicament but yet they afraid and they fear..

have they ever think about people who have this sickness, have this people majority ask for it, maybe to some who injected drugs, or some who have unsafe sex, but what about women or even man who got raped, or been injected by this virus by those irresponsible people..

I want to fight so one day the women and the children who have the same sickness like me will not give up, they will stand up, they will get married and have kids like others because i want to inspire and encourage other that this is not the end of the world... Not Yet.. and the fight isn't over..

I am not giving up.. and this is my first update.