My past, present and future

Why is it hard to move on when you keep hold on to your past... I realize what I need to do in life from now on, to stop looking back and just move forward.. Everything surround me full of the past and I need the present to reveal by itself and work for my better future, I need to feel motivated to move forward but how could I? I just saw my 1st ex on FB and now he is married and I am glad that he married to the right women. However sometimes I feel so empty and so hollow inside.

Why do I feel this way? When everything around me will work wonders. Maybe I will grow older by myself. My daughter driving me mad about teenager rebellious, oh gosh I have so much weight on me and I don't know what to do. My memories in my brain kills me more and more I look at it. I feel hurt and feel sad and feel horrible.

I know this feeling just momentary and it will be gone as fast as the wind but this feeling killing me more and more all the time.

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul

I often come across people complains about life.. and my answer will be .. REALLY? Is your life so hard? A normal complains range from boyfriend issues, money issues, family issues and the forgot to appreciate one thing in life.. to be able to breath air and still alive for another day without being DEATH, neither struggling with predicament that the higher above given for a test in life and the best thing is instead of appreciate life they complains.. .

I am so annoyed with this kind of attitude of people, or people that look down on other people just because they have higher status or higher position... Hello!! the world is not depending on status because KARMA does bite you back hard...

I also meet people that discriminate, like my meeting with MAC (Malaysian Aids Council) where this lady saying that the 1st line of medication for HIV+ people is not so good compare the 2nd line or 3rd line of medication, so are u saying people who poor, who only deserved 1st line medication, however people with high rank, higher position or title deserved 2 or 3rd line of medication? what crap is this? the country tried to prevent discrimination with people who living with HIV+ but people that working for this association doesn't apply this concept at all..

This is so disappointing as a victim of this disease I am actually being label, as the same with drug addict and prostitution, so just because I got raped that mean I deserved a crappy medication?? what on world happen to my country? where is the brainers of my people gone too?No wonder people start migrating to other country, just like my favorite author Aidid Safar.. he has left and no ones no where he is.. just because he told the truth..

So again.. I have to tell myself everyday.. I am the master of my fate and I am the captain of my soul.. Therefore this is my fight and I will fight for the better of my people..

I am having a heartache

After 6 months and 10 days of my break up, I am facing so much challenge in life. I was crying last night thinking about my ex.Gosh.. How much I realize I love him but then again I also know they is no reason to stay anymore if we couldn't be together. We have different religion, different background and I am worried if I continue this relationship and what if after 10 years we didn't move anywhere it will break my heart into piece...

4 years with him has left so many memories that I will always cherish throughout our time together. I will always appreciate him the way he is and everything that he does for me.

I hope one day when I look back I know why I did what I did....

For all the memories that we have and we store in our mind. I will forever thankful to him. Thank you BRM for loving me everyday in my life and come into my small world. We are not meant to be together but perhaps one day we will...

I will always love you with all my heart and please do pray for my happiness..

arrangement of marriage

Wow... never I thought a arrangement of marriage can be so tiring and exhausting, yesterday I pickup my beloved Doggie from Bern house, the house I used to stayed before is so gorgeously nice, I wish I am in there, but then again I don't have much to complained about nowdays, my future mother in-law is so nice and so lovely, my father in law amazingly awesome.

My brother in law and all so lovely as well, so do I have anything to complained about? NO.. My future husband is amazingly romantic, lovely, hardworking, and such a good provider. Yesterday I saw him teaching Trisha, my heart sank, how wonderful he is...

Boo and Bella missed me like hell.. I will hope everything go smoothly and may Bern will accepted this and move on sooner, I hope everything on his side is well and good...

May God show me the right path..

my heart ache

Today 21th January 2011, I accidentally bum into Bernard, and gosh how much I really missed him and he lost so much weight since the last time I meet him. When he rub my hair I felt as if he rub my heart too, my heart that almost recovered bleed one more time..

Gosh how hard is this... How can I forget him when he never done anything wrong to me ever other than being a good boyfriend, a good lover and good partner.. but then again how can we be together when our religion so different, when our personality crash totally the opposite of each other...

Dear God, please... I am begging you give me a courage to go through this, give me a strength so I can move on.. So I love my next partner unconditionally and he will not doubt me ever...

OMG im getting married..

I am having a cold feet right now knowing November just around the corner, and how important to me that I am getting to know my other half..but deep inside my heart I feel sligthly sad leaving the old memories that I have kept in my mind. How painful it is to have ur heart broken so many no of times. Many ppl tell me "are u sure this guy u about to marry is the one?" The truth is NO I don't know. I don't want to find "the one" it could take another 60 years of thinking u might find the right one.. What if u never find it? For me this is the most crazy idea I ever had in my mind for the longest year.. And yes I will make him the one, even though I know I need to heal myself first.. But I know this is sometimes I really want.

My ex keep on saying "find out what u really want", but having a family. My own kids is all I want in my life. Being a mother, succesful career person is what I really want... I want to be everything I can possibly be... I admit it all happened too fast, but are we God to determined all that? Do we really know people fate and life as if its on our hands..

So I don't give a damn what people said. For once I want to be happy without give a shit to what people think of me.. For tthose who's care.. I will say thank u.. For those who don't... I will still say thank u to whatever reason of u saying know. It is my life at all...

3rd and hopefully last phrase

On monday, I will have my back operation, so happen I got slip disc, doctor need to fixed the problem so I can walk and do my daily activity. Right now my back are in pain. I can believe this difficult phrase of life is not over yet. I can wait for this year to end. I just had too much shit going on and I can't hold on any longer. I remember reading about a man that paralyze waist down and survive. I am currently using his strength to strike up. I want my happiness and my smile back.

Just too much shit for this short period of time, I really hope this will be the last phrase and I don't have to go through this again.
Dear God, I really had enough. I really can't take this anymore God, I am such a small person in this small body have to take up so much challenges in life. Can't u make my life easier God. Can't u just give me a man who hhave the same religion as I am, who know responsibility in life, who can look after me and my girl God because honestly I am so sick of it. I am so sick have to struggle and fight all the time. And I start wondering who am I in the past life? Perhaps I am a murderer that is why I been punished this way.. My mind start to think again.... Please stop mind and I am so tired to think it through.