life as it is..

I remember my 31st Bday, when I decided to make a big decision, my decision was based on what I really feel.

Today 27th November 2010, I woke up early morning, realizing I made a big decision to walk out of a Big comfortable life, a comfortable love because I want to build it all over again. Am I afraid? YES I am very afraid, AM i regretting what I did, NO... NOT AT ALL.

You may not always end up where u thought you were going but you will always end up where you were meant to be... This is so true. I know few years down the road I will looked back and realize how far my journey.

This month of November is so challenging after broke up with my 4 years boyfriend, to car accident to losing my home, and my family that I build for 4 years, I feel as if I want to give up, I feel as I had no one around me, I wondering if this what God want my life to be, for the past 21 years, it has been tough, I feel I bleed too much to walk it through it again, I feel as if I lose my legs, I feel as if I lose my soul...

Again, I am asking God, please... I had enough of hard life.... please granted me one wish for happiness that I deserve, please God, cause I can't bare these any more... No MORE...I think I have used all my strength, courage and faith for all I got and I left with none.....

For you who reading, I will ask for your prayers, may my life will go smoothly after this, for those who never know me, I ask you to send your prayers to those who have similar hard life as me.. For those who know me and reading this.... I know you guys always pray for me...

my mind going around again

listening to a song from David Guetta & Chris Willis ft Fergie & LMFAO - Gettin' Over You and thinking about all the decision I have done so far.. I'm not regretting my decision either is good or bad things that has been happening around me.

I am happy, I know time will heal everything soon and I can't wait for those time to come because I feel really alone and I feel as if everything that I have tried to worked it out doesn't seem to work or perhaps can I just put the blame on fate?

I wish I could fly to the moon just like Frank Sinatra song, and sit down on the moon and see the world underneath me.. and just enjoy the beautiful world and universe that has been created for all of human kind.

LOVE

I am thinking about everything today, about how the world seems to me, the color of the world has change in the past few days..

The world seem green to me lately, no more blue and no more red..Green

Green is the color of peaceful, hope, and love perhaps..


but that is not love.... that is fear and living a life with a fear of hurting someone is impossible.. One way or another sometimes in life we tend to hurt someone feeling, either by rejecting it or objecting it.

My grandfather use to say, if we want to be happy, we got to tell how we feel, no matter what is the outcome, or how other feel about it because this is not their world... this is our one world, we create the color we want to create.. we make the world as beautiful as we like.. the color is in our hand, it is up to is to choose and put it in the canvas of our life..

Love does exist in my life, just like how I love Trisha, I love my friends and my dogs, so love is universal, the definition of love giving an impact to the world, if only war could end by a simple love, i believe we will be in the most peaceful place..

People who love does not hate, people who in love, looking things at the positive side of life, people who are in love will do wonders thing that, they themselves didn't know that they could.

thats why the color of my world has change today, it is no longer red which define anger, hatred, grudge, it is no longer blue, storm, rough sea.... its is green... a simple green leaf that just about to grow and I believe if I nurture it right it will be stronger than I could even imagine.. and for that I am going to go wherever the wind blow me and for once... I'm gonna let it be... and I believe I am so close to the road of safe after many broken road I have taken, after so much blood have been drop from my feet.. I have now found a peace within myself....

I might just found LOVE...

"Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

HAART

Today is my 5th day starting the anti viral medication, I am taking HIRAPHINE 200mg and TENVIR-EM 300mg.

I start taking because my CD4 counts drop to 146 and I believe either way I want to live longer so I have to start somewhere. Here I am sharing my side effect taking those medication:-

1-4 day - I was throwing up, I got serious stomach upset, serious dizziness and motion sickness.
5th day - I still feeling motion sickness and it SUCKS, I can't drive, move or even doing my daily routine.

I start with once a day first which I set a time between 9am, after 2 weeks I will start taking twice a day at the same time 9am and 9pm. My life now permanently depending on medication to live.

am I afraid? oh hell yes, I was afraid when I got admitted due to Thrush infection cause by CANDIDA virus and it got worst, I got scared when I saw this old lady suffering in hospital and she can't move and her family disowed her for the disease that she got...I was afraid of death, I was afraid people will be afraid to touch my body because of the disease I am carried. I am afraid for my future that is so uncertainty in many ways.

but I got better.. I got better because I want to fight this virus, I got better because I am aiming to be on the list of people that fighting for the right of human rights in my countries, I got better because I ready to let people know my status as HIV-POSITIVE. I got better because I don't want to die hopeless and hoping that they will find a cure, and that is what people since 1930 hoping for until now, there is still no CURE. I don't want to hope anymore.. I want to live and I want to fight. I am a fighter and I want to fight hard.

I know this mean it will be hard for me to get a job. I just quit my job due to discrimination in my office, and I am working in one of the biggest broadcast media in Malaysia, people so damn educated but so damn stupid and naive, they think I might infected them with the virus if I sneeze or share foods. I quit because I no longer see myself working for idiot so called "educated" and I want to fight the right cause. I want to let these people know that this HIV POSITIVE women they afraid of, going to fight hard. I want to create organisation of ACTIVTIS IN MALAYSIA, specially in KUALA LUMPUR for those white collar people with the sickness and create a career opportunity for them, because we are talented, smart, educated people, we do believe that just because we been infected by the disease doesn't mean we less valuable. We are more valuable then people who dont have the disease because we fight harder.

Yes of course, we do have ups and down of our sickness and sometimes we might get sick and got medical leave here and there, but that doesn't mean we want to be push away.

In my country people still skeptical to employee people with this sickness because they afraid, that is because they dont know well and they think they are invisible from it, no body invisible enough of it. When you got it, you can make the best out of it instead if complaining.

people afraid to date people with this sickness and they become hypocrites, they write and support about awareness of this predicament but yet they afraid and they fear..

have they ever think about people who have this sickness, have this people majority ask for it, maybe to some who injected drugs, or some who have unsafe sex, but what about women or even man who got raped, or been injected by this virus by those irresponsible people..

I want to fight so one day the women and the children who have the same sickness like me will not give up, they will stand up, they will get married and have kids like others because i want to inspire and encourage other that this is not the end of the world... Not Yet.. and the fight isn't over..

I am not giving up.. and this is my first update.

what a day!

People said sometimes GOD test us in many ways, the more harder his test is, the better opportunity he will show us and give us.

Now I do believe in HIM,I do believe everything happen for a reason and sometimes it might take us 1 month or 1 day or even 1 year to know those reason.

I thought 2009 was bad, with my illness and my sickness it did pull me down and I tell myself next year will be different.

Year 2010 prove to me that it's even harder in many way..

my health, my relationship, my career, my family, my daughter, my friends, he provide me such a challenge to everything around me this year. Perhaps he is planning to give something really BIG to me. and I hope that it will be sooner because I am trying everyday to cope with it with patience that I have left, which will be running out soon... very soon.

My CD4 counts drop to 176, my appendix decided to burst out this year and causes inflamation to my fallopion tube, and my daughter decided to stress me more with teenages cycle hormone such as trying to commiting suicide and letting go rebellious anger towards me.

Today again something that testing my patience,from morning I have quite a few setback to banking problem in HSBC that bloody piss me off because the so call "security device" is not even working. what the fuck. I was in the bank the whole day to register my tele banking and now after 6 hours waiting, the bloody thing didnt fucking work and the customer service that I call can't even assist me on this, instead she ask me to go back to the bank AGAIN and get a new security device.

Then the ASB also fucking pissed me off. I wanted to open an account with ASB and went to POS office nearby my house and they said I am not qualified to apply because my mum is not malay or bumiputra!!! what a #$%%%#! what do they mean not bumiputra, she did convert to muslim and married my malay father and she change her religion to Muslim and what is so damn hard about it.

The last bank that pissed me off is Public Bank, I went last month and deposit my 1000 savings money using they cash deposit machine and today when I checked my account, the money dissapear and no body and explain to me how that happen.

and to make it worst I just recovered from major operation, my stitches haven't even heal properly yet and I end up running up and down from one bank to another bank and get this fucking suck services..

Come mon enough already with this bad services that we have in Malaysia. Time to change to better in order to move up just like the rest of the world.

I always hear either my friends, or colleague complaning about bad services in Malaysia and it is sicken to experienced it myself.

Plan for life

I heard this words many times in my life "People who fail to plan, plan to fail" and recently I realise this quote are so true.

Along the life of human sometimes we kind of miss track about direction that we are headings and we wonder why things doesn't follwo what we want.

This year I have start planning carefully every step of my life in many areas, I have identify areas that I need to improve further and I also have prepared Plan A, to Plan B to Plan Z. Of course as a human we can only plan and the rest is the fate and opportunity that come lin front of us, if we prepare better when opportunity knocks on our door than we be able grab it. I have found this amazing software 'attractor genie" to help in my planning and so far it has been a great help.

I realise in the book call "The secret' they forgotten to remind us that challenges may appear in many areas before anyone be able to achieve many of their dreams, but teh key is to keep on strike for excellent in many areas of our lief. The mind is so powerful if we visualize hard enough with hard work and efforts.

Nothing come easy in life, but if we plan properly and manoveur our way correctly we all can achieved almost everything.

I want to begin with loving myself more and more everyday. I want to begin to appreciate my life more and more and strike for the best in everything. I have so much power of my believe that I know MIRACLE is possible....

We are the master of our ship, we are the captain of our destiny

Recently I have been thinking about life, love and everything around me... I sometimes feeling deeply emotional about certain stage or phrase of life. I guess is normal to feel this way or sometimes you questioning the situation thoroughly so things wont become complicated. I am thinking intensely about thing surround me as well as for the relationship I am at.

I like John Lennon song call Imagine... I imagining life before this life and I imagine life after this life...

I am thinking too much again.....