Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Pursuit of Happiness

what is life...

This year will be the last year I celebrating my twenties of my life. There’s lots of achievement I've done so far and there’s lots more to come I hope for the future. I am still doing a soul searching at this moment, honestly I am not too sure which part of my soul I searching but I guess along the way I will find the answers.

In this peak of my age I got the most shocking news of my own predicament and it is beyond what I've expected in my life. It is not good, but I would like to take this as my "Wake up call" moment to make the best out of my life.

I’m writing this to re-cap all my starting of my teenage age and my twenties, the failure and achievement I have collected so far:


How do I begin...?

-Got raped by my own uncle
-My school rejected me
-Been force to marry a guy I don't even know
-Got pregnant and being a mother at young age.
- almost got sold to money lender by my own husband...
- got mentally abusive and physical abusive by my husband
- got raped again in London with 3 black guy
- got brain tumor few years after that

so lets start when the first time I know about life..

-I didn’t celebrated my birthday this year because I’ve just become a mother to a baby girl weight 1.6kg on Saturday at 8.05pm at HBKL, my auntie was there and she was so anxious about it, I have been in the hospital since 3.30am last night. I have this unbearable pain. I suppose to be in school doing my homework at this time concentrating SPM and planning for my future but I guess my life never really follow as what I want or the way I planned to happen.

-After suffering for 12 hours Trisha was born into this world, I was actually the most youngest mother in that hospital that day, My grandmother was so happy and my auntie was glad that I was save. I was not so glad with it in the beginning especially when Trisha likes to cried so much. She was in the incubator for close to 6 months and I am kind of “Stuck” with her as well. -After 6 months I start taking her back to my grandmother house and the amount of gossip and rumor running wild in the neighbor hood. -I got married to a man I hardly know less than 1 month, my grandmother got to arrange the marriage to protect Trisha’s from her birth certificated been name Abdullah at the end. I was married on the 31st August 1995, few months before she born. -I thought it will change my life to something better somehow It leads me to something worst than I’ve ever imagine.

This is one of the stories in my life where I try to forget..

My 17th birthday
-This is the most saddest year for my future, I suppose to be in school performing academicals activity instead of being a housewife to a man that so lazy to work, I have been treated like a dog, I have been kicked, punch, shout at and so many other stuff than I can’t remember much nowadays. -I do understand that my current husband doesn’t love me very much and it is “Have too” situation anyway.

I filed for divorce, starts live once again in lighting shop and earn abour RM 400.00 a month. Struggling but I am not complaining. I still ahve enough fire to study and educated myself. I remember when my grandfather tell me that education is a golden ticket to life and I start vizulize my dream..

My 18th birthday
I took my O level exam with Trish on my laps and I apply for divorce and I found out that my SPM result was excellent, better than what I was expected. I start looking for a house in Gombak to rent and start planning for my life.

-There’s a time when situation get desperate and things get worst but I’ve been through worst situation ever. Nothing can bring me down.

- I also remember how I went to Changkat Raja Chulan went to building to building, floor to floor to get a job. Gosh.. I think I've work as Technician, Sales Girl, promoters, direct selling, receptionist until to Executive level. So yeah to be rich you got to work so hard in life.

20 year old
- I was struggling in life, got a sales job in Timeshare Company, got bullied like hell by some of the people there because I often bring Trisha to the office and people make fun of me because I always wear the same clothes because I don’t have luxury provide to me, I have to earn to get it. I still remember vividly in my head when the first time I went for a job interview I don not have any clothes to wear, I have my favorite green Baju Kurung that’s very striking and a pair of school shoes that is still very good to wear, I went for the job interview riding a bike, my neighbor offer himself to help me to send me to Jalan Duta, when I got there, hundreds of beautiful, gorgeous girl was waiting to get the job which I still had no idea what we suppose to do and without any qualification I am proud of myself to get through 2nd interview with this nice lady name Cecilia.

She told me I can starts working in Jalan Yap Kwan Seng next Monday and my basic salary will be RM2500.00 a month. For the first time in my life I will be able to see my accounts full of cash and I was only 19 year old back then. I have to struggle the first few months because the job is about selling and I am not really good about it, so I thought, I turn out to be the Best Sales person in Penang for close to 1 year, I just got this special power in me to just pursuit doing the best I can and I did with God’s will..

Before I start this job I was knocking doors to doors to sell vacuum cleaner Electrolux earns RM 200 a month and trying live in a very harsh way, got chase like a dog from people and been chased by a big dog.

My 21st birthday
Went to London with Trisha with only few thousand ringgit, we slept at Ealing Broadway Garden for few nights, I was walking 5km daily to find a job, struggle to find a place to stay, and she was only 5 year old, we slept in the public toilet with newspaper underneath us, I got a job at Golden Saloon and earns 400 pound sterling a week back then currency only 5.6 pound sterling, rent a room belongs to old Jamaican lady for 240 pound a week, work 2 jobs and surviving with the breads and kebabs most of the time, went to Piccadilly Circus in London and saw amazing things along the way…

If I could go back to past....

I would do the same thing i've done in this life over and over again. I wont change a damn thing about my life.

First time in my life I steal a food for sake of my girl in Mc Donald; this corporate British man didn’t finish his breakfast Big Mac set. Trisha looked at me and in her eyes I know she wants it, I went to the mc Donald pretend to take napkins and quickly put the food in the tissue and ran out, we ran to the tunnel and ate it on the side of the stairs, the happiness on Trisha face while eating the food makes me happy.

We both saw a very nice purple tree during winter and for that second we both forgot our pain and suffering and coldness of the weather and we both look so happy, unfortunately I didn't have enough money to buy winter clothes so we often wear few t-shirt and sometimes it gets so cold and it's difficulties to walk, we went to Piccadilly circus to eat Pizza one day, the Pizza damn expensive, we saw some exciting scenery like Al Fayed tour bus and we saw Birmingham Palace and we I carry her on my shoulder and we both feel like we're in heaven.

I saw something that until today I cant forget, a 12 year old girl got killed in front of me, I was walking from Brentford to Ealing because my saloon is there, its still early that mo0rning most probably 9am, its so cold as usual in London and its close to xmas, I was about 20 feet away from the girl, I guess she waiting for a school bus.. about 15 feet away I saw a african american guy taking out something from his pocket towards the girl and shot her in the head and walk away. I was stunt or shock or thinking I might be dreaming but the sound so loud few people from the nearby cafe walk out and then I heard a loud screaming. The little girl seems so innocent but yet she got killed for no reason. I turn back to my home and give Trisha a big huge hug and skip work that day..

I have done something big in my life, never any of my family members been to overseas not even my parents, my great grandparents but I did on my own, without money, without friends and the best things is I did with only GUTS with me!

Went to Dusseldorf Germany during October Fest.
Celebrate my birthday at this Irish Green Pub and bought myself my own "21" necklace that I always wanted when I was young.

22nd Birthday
Trisha and I we went to New South Wales in Australia 289, Hudson Parade. Facing the island and lovely yacht, we went to Sydney town near Darling Harbor and Botanical Garden, Trisha and I saw this huge Christmas tree for the first time in our life and it is not that far away from David Jones Shopping mall if I pronounced it correctly. We were staring the tree so high and our mouth is wide open and I cant believe how long we have been doing that, the enst things I realize she told me "Mummy the bigger the tree is, the better our present right?" and I just nodded to her agreeing that.

We decorate Xmas tree together that night with Winnie the Pooh, honestly its turns up damn ugly.

I bought Trisha gWoody from the movie “Toy Story” and I write myself a letter from Santa, I still believe in Santa Claus even at age of 22, I thought Santa must be this amazing guy that loves giving charity to children and make their dreams come through.

We had fish and chips nearby Darling Harbor and we saw thousand of bats coming out from Botanical Garden Sydney. Lovely and amazingly un believable. I did go underneath Sydney Bridge and go look up at the bridge with amazing feeling and never across my mind will I put my feet in Australia.

23rd Birthday

Came back to Malaysia, we end up sleeping in the bustop because I couldn't find a place to stay and I need to save the money for our new house, rent an apartment at Desa Petaling, start life all over again and trust me starting life all over again is so damn hard and sometimes I always wonder if I might go into depression but so far I am pretty tough girl, put Trisha in Kindergarten nearby my house, I got job in Fitness first and start working again.

24th Birthday
Got opening in Air Asia, I work up at 5.00am for the interview until 4.30pm. I have tried most probably close to 8 times and this will be my last year trying. I didn’t get to the interview, it always until the measurement and I never pass, I don’t know why I want to try so many times even though I know my heights will be an issue, I just like the thrills of trying. I also did join Fear Factor Malaysia, to be the first 4000 people go through the test and all and be able to go through it and I was at National Television on NTV7, yes I didn’t win anything but I proved myself that I have better GUTS and COURAGE to do what I want to do in life. Really desperate to win the RM10K to further my study in writing and yes I did cried for not getting the job from Air Asia and I also cried from losing on Fear Factor Malaysia. I don’t like the sour feeling of losing in my life and sometimes God don’t give me much option in this life to choose.

I want to prove to (Trish) her that life is all about trying, you might fail but you did your best and certain things work in different way but we definitely will learn something valuable out of it. And I did learn lots of thing from my life.

My life similar to Will smith movie "Pursuit the Happiness" except in Malaysian version. Funny I never thought that until I saw the movie and I said damn.. this movie is so like my life...

My 25th Birthday
Been offered to work at Celebrity Fitness, finishing my FISAF training for personal trainer, took driving license.

I further my dregree in Sport Science because I believe life begin with dreams and education. I have seen a up and down of life and I do not want to ever being poor ever again. I believe when we have spirit to fight we can. we just cant give up.

Admitted to hospital, doctor found out I have malignant in my head and its too close to my blood vessel in the brain and it can't be operated. I believe life in my head to decide how long so I am going to fight this through..

My 26th Birthday
My beloved grandmother passes away and it really took half of my courage and spirit to move on because she meant a lot to me, I and Trish bath her and her calm face got wash by the cold water, I tried to gathered myself and show a brave face but there’s few times I felt like I’m close to breaking down in front of Trisha. I regretted I couldn’t tell her how much I love her…Pass my driving license and went to her grave and tell her if she still alive I will take her for a ride and show her the world and she will be so proud of me.I feel like sharing to her my journey so far in this world and I want her to be so proud of me one day…

Something that I wrote for her the day she passed away.

I was about to have lunch yesterday when my aunt called me."Opah dah meninggal".I entered my room, closed the door and quickly changed. I wanted to be there before they do anything to Opah. Halfway through, I sat down and cried. I just couldn't believe what I just heard. Opah? Gone?I was planning to see her this Saturday to take her to the clinic, but God had other plans for her.

I was busy painting my house the whole weekend and I was thinking about to take her to see a specialist to help find better medication for my grandmother. Unfortunately my intention was good but I wish I was not too late…It was the longest journey I have ever taken. The cab ride from my house to her house felt forever. My mind was replaying memories that I have stashed in a quiet little corner a long time ago. I remembered the time when Opah cooked delicious fish sambal for me.I remembered when Opah chased me around the compound because I still wanted to play after dark. I remembered following Opah when she did her rounds, healing the sick, delivering babies. I remembered those rainy days when I would sit down with her and listen to her stories. How things were during the Japanese occupation. How those naughty boys in the village would tease her, some even courting her and asking her hand in marriage. And when thunder and lightning strikes, she would cuddle me close, knowing how scared I was. Goodbye Opah.

She was notorious. She was a strict, fierce disciplinarian and the mere mention of her name would send the neighborhood kids running. I've had my fair share of being chased by broomsticks and belts for being naughty, and I always cry after that. Despite her cold exterior, she always had a soft spot for me. She would wipe my tears and sing me a lullaby. When I arrived, Opah was already laying down, her body covered in the living room of her little house. I knelt next to her, opened her shroud and kissed her face. She looked so serene. All the worries in the world have finally left her, allowing her to leave in peace. At around 4:00pm, neighbors carried her body to the 'surau' downstairs. I, my aunt and my daughter helped prepare her for her funeral. I still couldn't believe she was gone. I touched her hand, and tried to look for a pulse. I touched her chest, looking for a beat in her heart. There was none. Gently, I allowed cold water to envelope her lifeless body, washing away all the impurities so that she will be clean and glowing when she meets her Maker. I studied her for the last time. The wrinkles on her face told stories of hardship, and there were still stories left untold. Stories that will remain with her, unknown to anyone. However, she was smiling. I suppose after being alone for years, she was happy she could finally meet her husband and son (both my grandfather and dad passed away some time ago).

Her hands were soft and tender. It was these pair of hands that took care of me when my parents left. Her hands made delicious meals, gave comforting pats, healed me when I was sick, bathed and soaped me when I was littleI love listening to her stories while bathing with her and she will Shampoo my hair with this smelly coconut water that she will kept underneath fridge for weeks, I can’t stand the smell but it is very soothing when it touch my head, I love when she cooked me my favorite “Sambal Ikan” and whenever I feel down I just cuddled her, her scent is very peaceful and she love baby powder. I can talk about her on and on and on…

Today, it was my turn to bathe her.I didn't want to hurt her, so I was as careful as I can be. I washed every inch of her body, even between her toes. I attended to every detail. When it was time to wrap her under the six layers of white burial shroud, I just couldn't let go.
It was so hard to watch my grandmother going away without her kiss on my cheek and her soft old hand holding me tight anymore.

Her body was buried at the cemetery near her house. Just a few places away, my grandfather and my father were already resting in peace, waiting for her to join them. Everything was over by 6:00 pm. My Opah ended her journey in this world, and she's off to begin her journey to the eternal.If heaven does exists I’ll pray to God may he put her in the best place in heaven and may soon I’ll be joining her there.

My tears have yet to dry. Opah, I miss you and love you very much. May God bless her and place her among the righteous. I hope to see you one day. I hope you will be watching me and be my side when I need you the most. Please give me courage, strength to go on this world without you to hear my story anymore.

27/28th Birthday
Got offered to MP (One of the biggest compant in Broadcast Industry), for few years I was asking my friend if she can help recommend me to MP, she told me I’m not glamour enough, just to proved that she wrong and I am capable for what she claims I can't because I am not as smart as her, I check the website, click on MP and saw HM looking for people to work, I sent an email to SLP personally on my own effort and ask if his interested if I can be part of his "interesting” team and he called me for interview, went few times and I got the job, I am so proud of it and so wanted to brag to my "friend" and tell her that even though I’m not glamour and smart enough but I got the job on my own effort unlike her who got the job based on people recommendation.

Life pretty stressful and exciting because I’m learning new stuff but my boss sexual harassment create a phobia and grudge to myself towards him and in directly I sabotage my own work and I end having this imaginations of killing him in my thoughts.

My contracts didn’t get renewed and I didn’t get my bonus at all and it was 1 week before Hari Raya. I tell myself that God love me so much that he just love challenges me and put me in a situation that sometimes pretty tough to swallow.

My 29th Birthday
This 2008 is just a damn good year for me, got myself a brand new car MyVi, and got good agency and challenging workload. Trisha just finishes her UPSR she got 1a 4b and Trisha is 13 year old this year.

Planning to buy a house for her and myself, we both deserved someone that love us and I want to build a family for us, where I can cook and bake and she can play with dogs at our backyard and hopefully I'll meet someone interesting that just had enough of everything and not scared of taking the risk in life and never want to stop learning from each other, and I’m in love with myself again.

Doctor tell me something that totally change my life and how I look at life from now on....

(Even though I was not expected my predicament which only happen in February but on and on I am glad to achieved so many things within such a short period of time)

For this life and the life ahead of me, I am going to live my life to the fullest and I'm going to live for this moment.............

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Are you going to finish strong!

Am I going to finish strong?

I’m not an angel…I’m also not a Devil; I am a combination of both… But what I always believe in my life is I can take up pain very well, because I always have this little voice in me that always motivate me from time to time.

There’s a time I tell myself no matter how bad I fall on the ground, I’ll try hundred times to get up and if I fail hundred times and I give up, I don’t think I would ever GET UP?, but if I fail and I try again, and again and AGAIN, I believe out of 300 times I tried I definitely will get up again and I get up even stronger and more powerful than I was down.

What matters the most in this world is how you going to FINISH it. Are you going to FINISH STRONG… because if you do then you will find the STRENGTH to get up and FIGHT, what you need is a clear mind and everything follows along and positive mind can give positive vibes and that’s all you need and that’s all I ever need this time around.

The current predicament of myself of course doesn't look good, in fact few weeks back I was in denial stage, I was not accepting my situation, I was asking myself the same question over and over again why me? I was feeling despair, pain, fell like someone abandon me, I feel alone, and sad of course .Now I have learn to accept my real situation and I be able to turn it around and make the best out of it. In fact I had a dream of myself blowing my birthday cake at age 87 and I look damn healthy than ever. I can even see my grandchildren and my great grandchildrens running around.

The key of life is "BELIEVE" and I do believe in Miracle.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009



Sometimes I believe life is just like a big huge giant puzzle, you need to take time to do it as old people said patience is virtue and sometimes you will made few mistakes along the way but it is ok because you can always do it again and when the puzzles is complete it is amazing how beautiful it can be. It takes time, effort and patience. I love my blog title; I find it interesting if a person in this universe starts taking their life as if their last day in this earth.

I had few reasons why my blog title is such, firstly I love the song that sang by Tim McGraw, secondly I think sometimes we're living our life like we outlived God, it seems like we going to live life forever and because of that lots of people making a same mistake I did.
I forget to live my life to the fullest, the next thing I know I am dying and death came so quickly that I can't even avoid it.

So here I am taking about live and death at the same time. I had another blog before this but my previous blog was pretty straight forward, this time I want to make it more interesting. I want to tell mys tory to the world, I love the idea of life is like a puzzle, the funny thing about it I do not have patience to complete it, the satisfaction is amazingly achievable and it takes time but time is what I don't have
I always believe we born in this world for a purpose, If I am a musician, I would compose a song for the world to hear it, if I am a dancer I will dance so people can enjoyed it and understand my move, if I am a artist I will draw an abstract art so people can analyzed it but I am a writer so I am going to write my story and shared it to the world.

Life's like a puzzle to me, sometimes it gets hard but sometimes it may seem easy. My life is not at all interesting but my journey is amazing and I've learned wonderful things throughout that I would love to share and to allow you to complete my puzzle if my journey were to end today so that you can share it with the world that has a puzzle to complete just like mine.