Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Finally People like me can get married

I finally married to an amazing man who knows my condition and still accepts me the way I am. God is Great.

My wedding was simple but yet memorable. I will cherish my marriage forever. I just wish my parents still alive to watch this happiest event in my life. But its ok, life always end up being so unexpectedly for me.

So please continue reading because the Best is Yet to come....

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

life turning upside down

Yesterday my furniture was collapsing out of nothing, no wind hit it, no crack on the table and its broken, just like my heart piece and piece of it, why life testing me now? why is it so hard this time to break through?

I am losing my mind again, today as I already put money in my card, the card got stolen, I couldn't believe my luck anymore. It getting from bad to worst to worst every single day... Gosh!!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Hearts broken over and over

Kenny G & Tony Braxton - Can An Angel Break My Heart

Sometimes being human you don't expect to be hurt, unfortunately life is not like that. Life is complicated and often the most unexpected person you think will not hurt you feeling are the one that broke your feelings badly.

We used to ask our self when we were poor, we want to be rich, we want to have nice car, nice house, shopping money but then we forgot to ask.. How is to feel to be rich? Does it good enough? Does it give us happiness we ever search for? Does love stay with the money that you give? Does it enough to guarantee a happiness for a lifetime.

Sometimes we forgot to thanked the small things that matter in our life, like a roof over our head, a food to keep our energy going, a health then doesn't cause death? sometimes we forgot to thank that at least GOD give us LIFE!

Sometime we need to see what we didn't missed instead of what we miss in life, what we have instead of what we don't have.

Life is like a big waves in the sea, it's rough but yet keep the adrenaline kicking. Love making us do crazy things in life. Memories is the hardest things, it gives us 2 gifts.. one a sweet memories than makes us smile doing bad times, and the second one a bad memories that sometimes playing in our head like a movie, and even you press STOP it keep on playing in our head and you can delete it.

What I need to do know is how to move forward because there is NO U TURN in the life I am facing.... no matter how hurts my feeling is... I still need to keep on moving.

sooner or later I will be ok...


Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Today I am trying to recover from whatever that been happening for the past few days. I know I have to pull myself out of this. Feeling like this doesnt help me improve anything in my life.

I know sometimes life is unpredictable, but it is not life that I am sad about, its the slow movement of my recovery that worries me, I need to step up of my game and get myself back, my daughter need me more than anything and for her I need to do what I need to.

My life right now been following the 12 hours clock, every 12 hours I have to take medicine to stay alive, I cant have shortage of medicine supply since the duration of my life fully depend on it...

Hopefully recovery come fast and someone save me from this depth of darkness I am facing right now...

Monday, April 11, 2011

im losing my mind

Beatles - Yesterday

OFF LATE... i feel I am losing my mind, I can't concentrate, I can't focus, my mind wandering around so much that I seriously think I'm losing it. I can't say that I am not fine. I am good and well.

Just the depression started with something small such as break -up then it goes to money problem, then it continues with more money problem and I am so scared that I will snap one day because of all the continues problem one after another.

Seriously?? do I really need this? Do I really need to hang on to past and not moving on. I can't.. I cannot hold on any longer.... I feel everyday I dream I kill myself.. of course its a guarantee tickets to hell..

I don't know what to do.. I don't know where to go...I hate everything that happens.. and I need to recover fast before I lost it and destroy my life and my daughter life.

Friday, April 1, 2011

it is not easy being a mother

Today I realize being a single mother to teenagers daughter is really a headache, my daughter threaten to run away. Reason being because I scold and beat her for not cleaning a room and being rude. Now am I wrong to teach her what she can do in liife? Am I wrong telling her to clean a room because it such a mess? Am I wrong trying to teach her be good and be a good daughter?

I don't know what to do anymore. I am stressing out about money and now I'm stressing out about life? What the fuck is that? The worst thing is I can't quit my "JOB" and being a mother is a permanent things in life. Gosh why is it now such a mess.. I'm going through depression and now my daughter want to run away? I really don't understand why this is happening again and again...

No one ever warned me about rage of teenager. I am coming to the lost mind... If anyone out there ever read this... I am so needed an advise how to manage a teenage daughter...

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My past, present and future

Why is it hard to move on when you keep hold on to your past... I realize what I need to do in life from now on, to stop looking back and just move forward.. Everything surround me full of the past and I need the present to reveal by itself and work for my better future, I need to feel motivated to move forward but how could I? I just saw my 1st ex on FB and now he is married and I am glad that he married to the right women. However sometimes I feel so empty and so hollow inside.

Why do I feel this way? When everything around me will work wonders. Maybe I will grow older by myself. My daughter driving me mad about teenager rebellious, oh gosh I have so much weight on me and I don't know what to do. My memories in my brain kills me more and more I look at it. I feel hurt and feel sad and feel horrible.

I know this feeling just momentary and it will be gone as fast as the wind but this feeling killing me more and more all the time.