Encouragement

Words of encouragement is something i loved to hear, especially when hope seems very tiny on the skies. Yesterday my daughter Trisha gave me a words of encouragement and for once I am so glad to hear those words from her.

She said to me "Mummy no amount of disease neither sickness will stop you or me from achieving what you really want and if "IT" didn't stop you, it wont stop me as well. Don't you worry mummy I can handle this just like you".

I am so relief hearing this from her and knowing she will be ok. Sometimes she can says the most brilliant thing at the right time and there's a time when she says really ridiculous thing at the wrong time. I am glad to know she is ok and she can take care of herself at age 13. She is the amazing things that ever happened to me.

My health not too good lately, I have been sick since 3 days ago due to work stress and life stress but I am so glad today is weekend so I can be with my beloved dogs,daughter and my B.

I have been visiting thebody.com and I send an email to Dave because I read about his life stories and I am amazed by his life story. To my surprise he response to my email and he also did read my story on my blog and he did give words of encouragements that fire up my spirit today to write. I am glad that I can shared my stories of life to the people who also need some lights in their life as much as me. Thank you Dave for your amazing email. I am so flattered with your compliment, I have never had such compliment before, perhaps I have never shared my blog to many people.

I am going to start writing again and hopefully this time I can finish what I have started... and hopefully Oprah might read my email that I sent to her yesterday...She is my big high dreams. I always had a dream to see Oprah in person and give her a big hug because she is like my God mother..

Live and Death

We spend our lives chasing excellent grades, silky smooth skin, a wonderful family, a good job and a goose with golden eggs (duh...who wouldn't?). Don't get me wrong folks. That's all good. You gotta have goals in your life (accept for the goose, that's pretty far fetched).

But how many of us realize that all those things that we chase are nothing more than probabilities? Do we realize that nothing that we chase in our lives are certain? How many of us can tell with absolute confidence that they'll get good grades? If you think that you can, "BRAVO!"Ironically, there is one thing that is certain.

All of us are approaching it without even chasing it. Well, you don't need to. It is chasing you. Some want to run away from it. Some crave it. Some just don't give a damn (whoa...what's with the language dude?!).

That's DEATH! Surprised? Haha...it's not really a shocker. We all know that we will die some day. Just like our pets, the orchid in the garden, the tapeworm in your bowel, or even your Volvo (it's gonna be scrap metals one day right?).

sometimes the question not always about death.. but about rising up and get out from the comfort zone which most of us are... we afraid to speak our mind, we fear our boss will fired our ass if we do disagree with him.. but that is the point of life to disagree if u don't feel like there is a reason to agreed, to argue with your boyfriend when he think he point of view are the only important one, life is about stand up and stands out.. Never strike for good, strike for excellence than success will come

Hospital in Malaysia

I am writing this not because I want to complain neither am I condemning the hospital, I am writing this because I feel so discriminated by the treatment by the nurses and the doctors at University Hospital.

I am HIV positive. I was admitted to the hospital due to stomach pain. I was sent to Univesity Hospital by ambulance because the hospital I went to earlier (private hospital) didn’t have any available beds, so the nurses suggested that I be sent to University Hospital instead. I reached the hospital around 5 pm and was placed in the emergency ward for close to 7-8 hours. I was left there waiting for my blood to be taken and also for an x-ray to identify if I had a serious abdominal condition which might require surgery.

While I was waiting for my blood to be taken, I heard the nurses giving remarks about my condition as a HIV patient. Needless to say, the nurses assumed that my disorientation due to injecting me with painkillers made it OK to make snide comments about my condition, right in front of me. Probably they thought that if I was 'high' enough, my understanding of the Malay language would go down the drain.

The doctor only attended to me around 10pm. What upset me the most is that when she came to examine me, she only asked about my history of as a HIV patient. All her questions were not relevant to my condition at that moment. Her questions were: How did i get HIV? Do I have multiple sex partners? Do I take drugs? Are these questions necessary to determine the cause of my abdominal pain? Those questions took me off guard because I was thinking, "Where’s the relevance between my predicament and my stomach pain?" Secondly, knowing that I have this disease has already affected my life, in addition to feeling discriminated and judged in their eyes is enough to tear me apart. First of all I have no idea how I got infected with HIV, I have never injected myself with drugs, neither have I had multiple sexual partners nor blood transfusions. I don’t want to think about how, when, and what because I have passed through that stage to moved forward with my life.

As a professional medical officer, I believe any discrimination towards HIV patients should NOT EXIST because we are as human as anyone else and they should be extra sensitive over this matter instead of being judgemental towards people with conditions like mine.

I believe as a country that has grown tremendously in many ways, stigma towards HIV should be minimised due to numerous awareness programmes that our government has implemented. We should be given equal rights especially when we are in need.

New Family

Today as I were driving for lunch yesterday, I saw this billboard, very happy father kiss the rand it’s remind me how it feel to have a family in my life. Family does give huge impact in each of our life; they are the light and the darkness in us

I absolutely forgot how amazing to have your parents that always look after you or brother and sister that checking on you or help you out when you in trouble. There are those days when I wish I had my mom and my dad around, so whenever I feel down or I need clarification about anything I can go to them, there are those time during Hari Raya I will be crying the whole night thinking how nice to have families and help them cooking and preparing for Raya celebration and go shopping together. When every I look at my daughter I always tell myself I am her only family, I am her only father and I am her only mother, I am her aunt and I am her uncle and I am everything to her..

I have been on my own for 14 years now, I never have family that loves me or care about me. I always feel awkward having lots of people around me; perhaps I do not know how to react. Another 10 more days I will be 30 year old, it is so fast time has past in my life. So many things have happened to me since the day I left my house. When I’m alone I always have theses images playing in my head just like a DVD player. Over and over and over again

It has never been easy for me to grow up alone and I have always been very reserved.

Today as I look far behind me, I have my own family, I have my beloved daughter by my side.. . I have my two dogs with me I had nothing else to ask other than my health. I am happy at this moment to have another day or year to live to see how big my family will grow bigger..

Goodbye my friend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjespGPhoMw


My friend pass away last Sunday afternoon. I was very sad and devastated on his loss because he is such a nice guy.. this song I dedicated just for him.. Ron... I will see you soon my friend...

HOME

I am pretty excited with my new home soon to be, it is not mine yet but for a start it is not too bad, I am still renting at this moment, I want to find "perfect" home for me Trisha

I want my home that to be full of love and care. I am almost there to buy my dream home, it just cash in hands not much at this moment but I am looking forward too it. I remember my first home..

My first home was a long house located in Pantai Dalam.. we have 1 room and 1 kitchen, it was so long but not wide enough, I always sleep outside because my grandfather and my grandmama stays in the one room. We had 20 cats and I remember helping my grandmama build cats house... it was our first home and it was ok. We were pretty happy, some night I will heard neighbour having sex, some night I will hear them fighting and all the stuff..

My dream home as I always visualize will be full of plants, nice porch, nice room for all my clothes, Trisha room with Pink color paint and nice lovely kitchen so I can baked and cook. Trisha will be studying at the living room. I will be cooking and making a coffee and have a someone I love very much next to me and talk about mistake and life
That will be my dream home.. cozy and lovely..

Friends can come over chilling at our "Teratak" and brings their partner along.. I loved having guest. It makes me alive..

I hope my condition will not get bad because I would love to see my dream home. I hopes this H1N1 virus wont infected me.. I hope I can see the sun and the moon as long as I live.

And if so happen I die, I want to die as a happy women, I want to see the world that God created and I want all my good friends to be there during my funeral and smile because I will be there by their side.

I hope by then if I am gone, Trisha will be strong enough to continue my stories in her eyes as she sees me in her, I hope my friends will continue telling my story of life as an inspiration to other women and I really hope they will remember me all the times during bad, good, sad and happy time. Because even if I am not there anymore, my spirit will always be there.. to listen to them...

I will definitely tell God if I ever see him to put all my friends, my friends family and friends to put all of them in the highest level of heaven...

Healthy

I am feeling very good these past few days with my work and especially my health. After knowing my condition few months back I thought I will be sick soon or maybe some minor skin problems here and there but fortunately I feel even better than before. I feel very energetic, I feel very positive and in fact I am looking forward to everyday life.

Maybe this HIV thing is not really a bad thing, the more I look at the bright side, the more confident I become in handling this sickness. I am very happy and contented with my life now.

I do feel a bit sad with Yasmin Ahmad passed away last weekend. I do admire her ads and her movie and her vision of one Malaysian, so sad she is gone without seeing the result of her vision.

You can't find people like her in Malaysia much, her ads really touchy and does deliver the message of one malaysian. We used to be 1 Malaysian but somehow that line has been broken by some selfish people who have their own agenda and all..

Health is very important, in fact health is the most important compare to rest of other stuff, without health we will not achieve our dreams....

May my health remain good for the next few years at least the next 50 years hopefully..

I have so much dreams and so much goals and I am so eager to make it happen.