my heart ache

Today 21th January 2011, I accidentally bum into Bernard, and gosh how much I really missed him and he lost so much weight since the last time I meet him. When he rub my hair I felt as if he rub my heart too, my heart that almost recovered bleed one more time..

Gosh how hard is this... How can I forget him when he never done anything wrong to me ever other than being a good boyfriend, a good lover and good partner.. but then again how can we be together when our religion so different, when our personality crash totally the opposite of each other...

Dear God, please... I am begging you give me a courage to go through this, give me a strength so I can move on.. So I love my next partner unconditionally and he will not doubt me ever...

OMG im getting married..

I am having a cold feet right now knowing November just around the corner, and how important to me that I am getting to know my other half..but deep inside my heart I feel sligthly sad leaving the old memories that I have kept in my mind. How painful it is to have ur heart broken so many no of times. Many ppl tell me "are u sure this guy u about to marry is the one?" The truth is NO I don't know. I don't want to find "the one" it could take another 60 years of thinking u might find the right one.. What if u never find it? For me this is the most crazy idea I ever had in my mind for the longest year.. And yes I will make him the one, even though I know I need to heal myself first.. But I know this is sometimes I really want.

My ex keep on saying "find out what u really want", but having a family. My own kids is all I want in my life. Being a mother, succesful career person is what I really want... I want to be everything I can possibly be... I admit it all happened too fast, but are we God to determined all that? Do we really know people fate and life as if its on our hands..

So I don't give a damn what people said. For once I want to be happy without give a shit to what people think of me.. For tthose who's care.. I will say thank u.. For those who don't... I will still say thank u to whatever reason of u saying know. It is my life at all...

3rd and hopefully last phrase

On monday, I will have my back operation, so happen I got slip disc, doctor need to fixed the problem so I can walk and do my daily activity. Right now my back are in pain. I can believe this difficult phrase of life is not over yet. I can wait for this year to end. I just had too much shit going on and I can't hold on any longer. I remember reading about a man that paralyze waist down and survive. I am currently using his strength to strike up. I want my happiness and my smile back.

Just too much shit for this short period of time, I really hope this will be the last phrase and I don't have to go through this again.
Dear God, I really had enough. I really can't take this anymore God, I am such a small person in this small body have to take up so much challenges in life. Can't u make my life easier God. Can't u just give me a man who hhave the same religion as I am, who know responsibility in life, who can look after me and my girl God because honestly I am so sick of it. I am so sick have to struggle and fight all the time. And I start wondering who am I in the past life? Perhaps I am a murderer that is why I been punished this way.. My mind start to think again.... Please stop mind and I am so tired to think it through.

2010

November will be end soon... and December will appear in my life then the whole 2010 will end and I will be introduce to 2011.. A year that seems promising than any other year.

I can't wait for 2011 to come and pop up in my life. I want 2011 to be more adventures, to be more romance, to be more spontaneous than any other year, I want to gather the "profit" of my "investment" and I want it to be different.

To some of my friends, I know I have to let them go, because I need new friends and to meet new people in my life. I want to quit "Hoarder" this kind of people in my life, some of them has done something so good to me and some of them has forgotten me. To those who make so much difference in my life now I will keep our friendship forever, to those who often "neglected" the friendship that I sow, I am sorry its time to reap it now and to start new.

I have learned many tremendous value about friendship and "companionship", I also have learn a lot about motherhood in my life. It is true nothing come easy in life, and the most difficult the life is the better for us in the future. I am starting my present now. and I wont even plan my life way ahead because no one will knew what would ever happen even 6 months down the road.

2010, I hope you will end faster than I expected you to be.....I really want you out of my life for good and never "DARE" to show yourself ever again. Because I had enough of your shit....

Goodbye November

Today is the 29th November...

I have many sweet, bitter, sour memories of November,to the memories that I had for a bitter, I want to forget about it completely, to the memories that sweet I want to keep it and store it in my mind as long as I can, to the memories that sour, I do want to learn from it and be a better person...To the most of it ... I believe it will make me a better friend, a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better wife and a better in many things as well..

I have learned to accept and I have learn to adapt... two most important essence in life in order to be better. I also have learn to grow UP... to use my brain most of the time either morning, afternoon or evening.

I read through everything I have written before and I realize sometimes I get too emotional over certain things, sometimes I get to passionates over certain issues. I have to learn to let go... I have too.. if not I will live in grieve for the rest of my life...

So today... I am letting go everything for the month of November. November take up too much "space"...

I need more space to gather more memories.
...
Goodbye November... I know I will see you again but I promise it will be different the next time we meet....

life is something that happens when you cant get to sleep

Off late i feel like every time I close my eyes I feel as if so many things worries me, I feel as if I am 21 again, that I have to start struggle my life all the time, I feel as if my life is coming to the end..

Am I dreaming? or is it my life has come to the end of road? What is life beneath us? What is our purpose of life struggling and trying to live in this world?

Those are the question I seem cant find the answer... I wish one day I will know..I wish I will know it before my time comes to the end..

I remember watching SWEET NOVEMBER and how wonderful life is if you can just maintain the beautiful memories of LOVE just as it is....

I lost the feeling of LOVE, I am afraid I cant love anyone anymore... I am so afraid and fear of LOVE... Should I give up on it just because I have tried many many times and my heart seems like been broken to piece in thousand times...

I don't know the answer for now.. But I hope when LOVE come and find me, it will a wonderful love, not a painful one....

SURPRISE.

My title of this blog is life is full of surprise, now let me explain I do know this phrase often been mention around me but never I thoughts that i will live through this phrase of word ever..

And seriously. I can't wait to know what will be next..

I live a life as a fighter, and I will fight harder and harder every year.People often ask me, do I have so much courage and strength, my answer will be NOT at ALL... but the strength I get was my daughter, for her I fight harder, for her I strike harder, for her I PROMISE to give her a family she never had, to give her a father she never has, for her I strike and I will fight harder. WITHOUT HER I AM GONE. WITHOUT HER MY STRENGTH IS EMPTY, WITHOUT HER I AM NO ONE.

May God give me strength to fight and courage to survive because I know my life will be full of suprise.....